8 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
8 Tips to Stop Being A People-Pleaser
Do you find yourself agreeing with others, even when it goes against your own values or feelings? Do you want to say no or share your opinion, but somehow, you never do? If this sounds familiar, you may have people-pleasing tendencies or identify as a chronic people-pleaser.
The key difference is frequency and impact. If you occasionally put others first, your people-pleasing may be situational. But if you consistently prioritise others at the expense of your own well-being, people-pleasing may have become a deeply ingrained habit.
People-pleasing is often linked to the ‘fawn’ response, a term introduced by Pete Walker. This response describes people-pleasing as a survival mechanism, where individuals prioritise others’ needs to maintain safety and avoid conflict. While it can create a sense of security, it often leads to self-neglect and emotional exhaustion.
Many people-pleasers develop this habit due to a strong need for acceptance, approval, or harmony. Keeping others happy may feel comforting or necessary, but over time, it can cause you to lose sight of your authentic self. The fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment can make it difficult to set boundaries, reinforcing the cycle of self-sacrifice.
The good news? You can break free. Letting go of people-pleasing is empowering, and learning to prioritise your needs doesn’t mean letting others down. Here are eight practical strategies to help you overcome people-pleasing so you can live more authentically and confidently.
1. Stop People-Pleasing by Setting Strong and Healthy Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries goes beyond simply saying no—it’s about building healthier relationships and prioritising your well-being. Being able to confidently and assertively say “no” is key to this process. By setting personal boundaries, you acknowledge that your needs are just as important as the needs of others. While setting boundaries may take time, it is vital to personal growth and self-empowerment.
“Spread your wings and find freedom in being true to yourself.”
2. How to Use Assertive Communication to Set Boundaries and Gain Confidence
Develop assertiveness skills to express your opinions, needs, and preferences confidently and respectfully. Communicate your goals and desires to others. You can address any lingering resentment or conflicts through open and honest conversations, ultimately strengthening your relationships. Becoming more assertive will benefit both your personal and professional life. A great way to start communicating assertively is by practising saying no in low-pressure situations to build confidence and ease in setting clear boundaries.
3. Boosting Self-Esteem: Overcoming the Need for Approval
Developing self-esteem and self-worth independent of others’ approval is crucial for overcoming people-pleasing. By recognising your priorities and strengths, you can empower yourself to focus on your needs and well-being. Embracing your unique values helps you make choices that align with your true self rather than counting on receiving external validation. Remember to put importance on taking care of your own needs, as you are the best person to take control of your life.
4. Self-Compassion Over People-Pleasing: How to Be Kinder to Yourself
Develop the ability to prioritise yourself by placing your needs and well-being above the urge to focus on other people’s needs. Incorporate self-care into your routine by scheduling enjoyable and relaxing activities. Regularly remind yourself of your worthiness of love and respect; positive affirmations can be constructive when reinforcing this mindset.
5. Self-Reflection for People-Pleasers: Understanding Your Patterns
Reflect on what motivates your drive to attempt to improve the lives of others around you. The first step in implementing change is recognising and managing the factors that prevent you from progressing. Recognise triggers such as situations, emotions, or people that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies. Awareness can help you respond differently. Journalling for a couple of minutes each day can be a great way to self-reflect.
6. How to Challenge Negative Thoughts and Build Self-Confidence
Challenging thoughts and beliefs that fuel people-pleasing behaviours, such as fear of rejection or perfectionism, are essential. Challenging your thoughts can change your mindset, reduce the urge to seek approval from others, and avoid conflict.
7. Seek Support
Talk to trusted friends or family members, or seek professional support who can encourage, guide, and provide feedback as you work on changing your behaviour. When you introduce boundaries and assertive communication into your life, others close to you may observe the changes.
The best way to manage this is different for everyone. You may want to share with those closest to you that you are making positive changes, or you can work on this alone without the approval of others. Either way is okay, as the most important thing is that you are making changes and getting the support and input that is helpful for you. I have information on my website which highlights different types of professional support that can help.
8. Increase Self-Awareness with Mindfulness and Journaling
Regular mindfulness practice is a powerful tool for understanding and processing emotions. It helps you recognise, validate, and express your feelings without self-doubt or fear of judgment—a crucial step toward emotional well-being and self-acceptance.
Journaling is another effective way to increase self-awareness, providing a space to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. Writing things down can help you identify patterns in people-pleasing tendencies and explore the underlying fears driving them. By incorporating mindfulness and journaling into your routine, you can reduce the need for external validation, build confidence in your own decisions, and strengthen your relationships.
For more insight into how journaling can support emotional growth, check out my blog on journalling.
The Connection Between People-Pleasing and Vulnerability
People-pleasers often go out of their way to appease others as a way to shield themselves from discomfort or emotional vulnerability. However, true connection comes from authenticity, not avoidance.
Researcher Brené Brown highlights that embracing vulnerability as a strength allows you to engage more openly in relationships, leading to deeper emotional connections and greater self-acceptance. By recognising that vulnerability is not a weakness, but rather a foundation for genuine interactions, you can start breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing.
Why do People Become People-Pleasers?
People-pleasers often share common traits and psychological tendencies that shape their behaviour. Here are some of the key reasons why individuals develop people-pleasing habits:
- High Agreeableness – If you are naturally cooperative and compassionate, you may prioritise maintaining harmony in relationships, often putting others’ needs ahead of your own.
- Low Self-Esteem – Seeking external validation can become a way to feel valued, accepted, and worthy of love.
- Fear of Rejection or Abandonment – A deep-rooted fear of disapproval or being left out can drive people-pleasing behaviours.
- Perfectionism – You may strive to meet unrealistic standards, either those set by others or ones you impose on yourself.
- Childhood Conditioning – Growing up in an environment where pleasing caregivers was essential for receiving love and attention can lead to a pattern of prioritising others over yourself.
- Empathy and Sensitivity – Highly empathetic individuals often absorb others’ emotions, making them more likely to put others first, even at their own expense.
- Codependency – In codependent relationships, your sense of identity and self-worth may come from caring for and pleasing others.
- Societal Expectations – Cultural norms often reinforce that being passive and accommodating is a sign of politeness and consideration, making it difficult to assert boundaries.
- Evolutionary Factors – Early human communities relied on social approval for survival, which may have shaped the tendency to seek acceptance and avoid conflict.
- Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – Often linked to ADHD, RSD involves heightened sensitivity to criticism or rejection, which can lead to overextending yourself to gain approval. Many people with ADHD find that RSD makes it difficult to set boundaries, say no, or handle feedback without feeling deeply impacted. If you’d like to explore more about ADHD and how coaching can support emotional regulation and confidence, check out my ADHD Coaching page.
The Consequences of People-Pleasing
While people-pleasing can initially create positive interactions, it often leads to adverse outcomes, such as suppressed emotions, reduced self-worth, feelings of shame, toxic relationships, and stress and burnout. Recognising these consequences is crucial in understanding the need to break the people-pleasing pattern.
Suppressed Emotions: Prioritising others’ needs can lead to suppressing your emotions to avoid disappointing or upsetting others. Suppressing your feelings can lead to anxiety, sadness and depression, as well as physical problems such as headaches or digestive issues.
Reduced Self-Worth: Over time, you can lose touch with who you are when you listen to other people’s opinions. Decision-making may be increasingly tricky in the long run as you don’t trust your decisions.
Feelings of Guilt and Shame: Prioritising others can lead to behaviours that contradict your beliefs and values, causing feelings of shame. If you would like to know more about shame you might be interested in my blog Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth.
Toxic Relationships: You might find yourself in relationships where others exploit your kinhttps://clearhaventherapy.com/understanding-and-managing-shame-for-personal-growth/dness or passiveness. This can, in some cases, lead to being the victim of gaslighting or abuse.
Stress and Burnout: Chronic prioritisation of others’ needs can contribute to anxiety and burnout, affecting your mental and physical health. Often, people-pleasers mask, which can be exhausting.
Are You A People-Pleaser? Recognising the Signs?
Recognising people-pleasing tendencies is a crucial step toward self-awareness and personal growth. Identifying people-pleasing tendencies is an essential step toward self-awareness. Look out for these patterns:
- Overextending Yourself: Going to great lengths to meet others’ needs, even to your detriment.
- Difficulty Saying No: You feel compelled to go above and beyond for others, even when they inconvenience you.
- Seeking Approval: Craving validation and acceptance from others to feel valued.
- Avoiding Conflict: Going out of your way to have a quiet life and keep others happy at the cost of your preferences.
Action Plan: Examples of Setting Boundaries and Being Assertive
Applying boundaries and assertiveness can vary across different contexts:
- Personal Relationships: Communicate your need for personal space or discuss sensitive topics.
- Work Environments: Assert your limits on workload or address inappropriate behaviour from colleagues.
- Social Settings: Politely decline invitations or express your preferences without guilt.
To Conclude
Breaking free from people-pleasing requires courage and self-compassion. It’s about recognising your needs and boundaries while nurturing genuine connections with others. Remember, seeking support and practising self-awareness are essential to this personal growth and empowerment journey. If you have been a people-pleaser for a long time, it can take time to change these habits, and it can mean that you are out of your comfort zone.
However, keep going, always reminding yourself that you are the most important person in your life. Giving up trying to please others is not the same as being selfish; instead, it means putting your health and happiness first. You may be surprised to discover that when you do put your needs first and communicate your preferences to others, you can develop more meaningful conditions.
If you want to stop people-pleasing but need some support, please book a discovery call.
Further Reading:
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.