8 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
Being a people-pleaser is often linked with the ‘fawn’ response in psychology, which is a powerful tool for self-discovery. Pete Walker’s concept of the ‘fawn’ response describes a coping mechanism where people prioritise others’ needs to avoid conflict and protect their well-being. This understanding can empower you to break the pattern and reclaim your own needs.
When you engage in people-pleasing, you frequently meet others’ needs, opinions, or requirements at your own expense. This behaviour stems from a deep fear of rejection, abandonment, or conflict. You strive to maintain harmony and secure a sense of acceptance and security.
The ‘fawn’ response usually originates in trauma, where adapting to others’ needs becomes a survival strategy under challenging environments. Understanding these behaviours can illuminate how you navigate relationships and seek validation while managing internal and external pressures.
The Connection Between People-Pleasing and Vulnerability
People-pleasers often try to appease others to avoid feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable. Brené Brown emphasises that recognising and embracing vulnerability as a strength can empower you to engage more authentically in relationships, fostering deeper emotional connections and self-acceptance.
Why do People Become People-Pleasers?
People-pleasers often share certain traits and psychological tendencies:
- High Agreeableness: If you are high in agreeableness, you’re naturally cooperative and compassionate, prioritising harmony in relationships by putting others’ needs first.
- Low Self-Esteem: People with low self-esteem seek validation and approval from others to feel valued and worthy of love.
- Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: The fear of rejection or abandonment drives you to seek approval and avoid actions that might upset others constantly.
- Perfectionism: If you’re a perfectionist, you strive to meet high standards to avoid criticism and maintain a sense of self-worth.
- Childhood Conditioning: Growing up in environments where pleasing caregivers was crucial for receiving love and attention can lead to a learned behaviour of prioritising others’ needs.
- Empathy and Sensitivity: Highly empathetic individuals often prioritise others’ needs before their own, sometimes at the expense of their well-being.
- Co-dependency: In a codependent relationship, you might derive your sense of identity and self-worth from caring for and pleasing others.
- Societal Expectations: which often promote being passive and accommodating as signs of politeness and consideration, can reinforce these behaviours.
- Evolutionary Factors: The tendency to please others might stem from early human communities where acceptance and approval were crucial for survival and resource sharing.
- Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): Often associated with ADHD, RSD involves heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism or rejection, leading to overextending yourself to gain approval.
“Spread your wings and find freedom in being true to yourself.”
The Consequences of People-Pleasing
While people-pleasing can initially foster positive interactions, it often leads to adverse outcomes, such as suppressed emotions, reduced self-worth, feelings of shame, exploitative relationships, and stress and burnout. Recognising these consequences is crucial in understanding the need to break the people-pleasing pattern.
- Suppressed Emotions: Prioritising others’ needs can lead to suppressing your emotions to avoid disappointing or upsetting others.
- Reduced Self-Worth: Over time, you might struggle to maintain a clear sense of self, compromising your authenticity to conform to others’ expectations.
- Feelings of Shame: Prioritising others can lead to behaviours that contradict your values, causing feelings of shame.
- Exploitative Relationships: You might find yourself in relationships where others exploit your kindness, leading to resentment and a cycle of exploitation.
- Stress and Burnout: Chronic prioritisation of others’ needs can contribute to anxiety and burnout, affecting your mental and physical health.
Are You A People-Pleaser? Recognising the signs?
Recognising people-pleasing tendencies is a crucial step toward self-awareness and personal growth. Identifying people-pleasing tendencies is an essential step toward self-awareness. Look out for these patterns:
- Overextending Yourself: Going to great lengths to meet others’ needs, even to your detriment.
- Difficulty Saying No: You feel compelled to accept requests, even when they inconvenience you.
- Seeking Approval: Craving validation and acceptance from others to feel valued.
- Avoiding Conflict means going out of your way to maintain harmony, often at the cost of your preferences.
8 Top Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser:
Breaking free from people-pleasing can be challenging but empowering. Here are eight strategies to help you reduce or stop these behaviours:
1. Setting Boundaries:
Establishing clear boundaries around what you are willing and able to do for others is not just about saying no. It’s about creating a healthier relationship dynamic and protecting your well-being. Learning to say no when necessary, without feeling guilty, is a crucial part of this process. Putting boundaries in place empowers you to put your needs above those of others without guilt or hesitation.
2. Practice Assertiveness:
Develop assertiveness skills to express your needs, opinions, and preferences confidently and respectfully. Let people know your needs, preferences, and goals. Through open and honest conversation, you can work on existing resentment or conflicts and strengthen relationships with others. Learning to be assertive will help you in your personal and professional life. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations to build confidence and comfort with setting boundaries.
3. Building Self-Esteem:
Building self-esteem and self-worth independent of others’ approval is critical to promoting people-pleasing behaviours. Recognising priorities and strengths can empower you to prioritise your needs and well-being.
4. Prioritise Self-Compassion:
Develop the ability to prioritise yourself by placing your needs and well-being above the urge to please others. Incorporate self-care into your routine by scheduling enjoyable and relaxing activities. Regularly remind yourself of your worthiness of love and respect; positive affirmations can be constructive in reinforcing this mindset.
5. Self-Reflection:
Reflect on what motivates your drive to attempt to improve the lives of others around you. The first step in implementing change is recognising and managing the factors that prevent you from progressing. Recognise triggers such as situations, emotions, or people that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies. Awareness can help you respond differently.
6. Challenging Negative Thoughts:
Challenging thoughts and beliefs that fuel people-pleasing behaviour, such as fear of rejection or perfectionism, are essential. Doing so can change your mindset and reduce the urge to seek approval or avoid conflict constantly.
7. Seek Support:
Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide encouragement, guidance, and feedback as you work on changing your behaviour.
8. Mindfulness and Emotional Awareness:
One benefit of regular mindfulness practice is a deeper understanding and awareness of one’s feelings. One should recognise that one’s feelings are genuine and deserve to be expressed. Journalling can increase self-awareness and provide time to reflect.
These strategies can help individuals reduce the urge to constantly seek approval or avoid conflict at their own expense, fostering healthier and more balanced relationships.
Practical Examples of Setting Boundaries and Being Assertive
Applying boundaries and assertiveness can vary across different contexts:
- Personal Relationships: Communicate your need for personal space or discuss sensitive topics.
- Work Environments: Assert your limits on workload or address inappropriate behaviour from colleagues.
- Social Settings: Politely decline invitations or express your preferences without guilt.
- Embracing Authenticity and Well-Being: Overcoming people-pleasing requires recognising that self-prioritising does not depend on external validation. Prioritising one’s needs and nurturing authentic connections can increase self-esteem and prioritise you let go of people-pleasing and prioritise your needs.
You can get to know yourself better by understanding your needs, wants, and preferences.
Wrapping It All Up
Breaking free from people-pleasing requires courage and self-compassion. It’s about honouring your own needs and boundaries while nurturing genuine connections with others. Remember, seeking support and practising self-awareness are essential to this personal growth and empowerment journey.
Giving up trying to please others is not the same as being selfish; instead, it is putting one’s health and happiness first and learning to value one’s perspective. Doing so allows you and others to develop more meaningful connections with one another and yourself.
If you want to stop people-pleasing but feel you need some support, Clear Haven Therapy can help! Book a free Discovery Call.