When Anxiety Makes You Overthink Everything in Your Relationship

For some, anxiety stems from past experiences. If you’ve been hurt before, your mind may be on high alert, looking for signs that it could happen again. For others, anxious thoughts may be tied to self-worth—wondering if you’re lovable, if you’re too much, or if your needs are valid.

It’s important to remind yourself that anxiety doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. But if it’s causing distress or making it hard to feel secure, there are ways to ease the constant overthinking.

Breaking the Cycle of Overthinking in Relationships

Notice the Thought Spiral

Anxiety often starts with one small worry and quickly snowballs. A short reply from your partner might trigger thoughts like, Are they annoyed with me? Did I do something wrong? What if they’re losing interest? Before you know it, you’re imagining a worst-case scenario that isn’t based on reality.

Recognising when this happens is the first step. Instead of following the spiral, pause and ask yourself: What do I actually know to be true right now? Separating facts from anxious assumptions can help ground you in the present.

Stop Seeking Reassurance on Repeat

It’s natural to want reassurance when you feel uncertain, but if you find yourself constantly asking for it—needing to hear Are we okay? multiple times a day—it may be a sign that anxiety is in control. The comfort you get from reassurance is usually short-lived, and before long, the doubts creep back in.

Try to soothe yourself instead. Remind yourself of the stability in your relationship, reflect on moments of connection, and practise self-validation rather than needing constant external confirmation.

Calm Your Nervous System First

Overthinking is a symptom of anxiety, not the cause. If your body is in a heightened state—tight chest, racing heart, uneasy stomach—your thoughts will follow suit. Before you try to untangle a worry, focus on calming your nervous system. My blog on grounding techniques provides more ways to calm your nervous system.

Some techniques I recommend include:

  • Square Breathing: Breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for another four, then exhale gently for four seconds before pausing again for four. Repeating this pattern a few times can help steady your breathing and signal to your nervous system that it’s safe to relax.
  • 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique: When anxiety pulls you into overthinking, try this to which will help bring you back to the present.ake a moment to notice your surroundings. Find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three sounds you can hear, two scents in the air, and one taste in your mouth. It’s a great way to break the cycle of anxious thoughts and reconnect with your surroundings.
  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense your muscles, starting in your feet, and then relax, moving through muscle groups up to your head to release physical tension.
Close-up of a couple holding hands outdoors, symbolising support and connection in relationships affected by anxiety.

Challenge the Anxious Narrative

Anxiety has a habit of convincing you that your worst fears are facts. But just because you think something, doesn’t mean it’s true. If you catch yourself assuming the worst—They’re being quiet, so they must be upset with me—challenge it.  My blog on overthinking provides more information on how to overcome it.

Ask yourself: Is there another explanation? Maybe they’ve had a long day. Maybe they’re preoccupied with their own thoughts. Not everything is about you, and that’s a good thing.

Build Your Own Sense of Security

If you rely on your partner to manage your anxiety, it can create pressure on the relationship. True security comes from within, not from another person constantly proving their love.

Spend time strengthening your own sense of self. Invest in friendships, hobbies, and routines that make you feel good. The more fulfilled and grounded you feel within yourself, the less you’ll rely on external validation to feel okay.

When to Seek Support

If relationship anxiety is affecting your well-being or making it hard to enjoy your connection, professional support can help.

Therapy can offer tools to break the cycle of anxious thoughts and build a healthier mindset, so you feel more secure in yourself and your relationships.  If you check my home page, you can read about different approaches to therapy that help overcome anxiety.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. If anxiety is affecting your relationship and you’d like support, I’m here to help.