8 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
8 Tips to Stop Being A People-Pleaser
Do you often agree with others even when it doesn’t align with your feelings or personal values? Do you want to share your opinion or say no, but somehow, it never happens? If this sounds familiar, there is a high chance you are a people-pleaser or have people-pleasing tendencies. The difference is that if you are a people-pleaser, you will consistently please others regardless of the consequences to your well-being. In contrast, it will be more occasional and situational if you have people-pleasing tenancies.
People-pleasing is linked to the ‘fawn’ response, a concept introduced by Pete Walker. The ‘fawn’ response describes people-pleasing as safety behaviour whereby people prioritise others’ needs to avoid conflict and safeguard their well-being.
People-pleasing often stems from a strong desire for acceptance and keeping harmony. Keeping others happy can create a sense of security, so pleasing others may initially seem effective. However, it comes with a downside. By prioritising the needs of others, you can lose sight of your authentic self. People-pleasers often act out of a deep fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment, believing they won’t be left behind if they keep others happy.
Breaking free from people-pleasing can be incredibly empowering and comes with many benefits. Here are eight strategies to help you reduce or overcome the habit of people-pleasing so you can prioritise your happiness.
1. Setting Healthy Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries goes beyond simply saying no—it’s about building healthier relationships and prioritising your well-being. Being able to confidently and assertively say “no” is key to this process. By setting personal boundaries, you acknowledge that your needs are just as important as the needs of others. While setting boundaries may take time, it is vital to personal growth and self-empowerment.
“Spread your wings and find freedom in being true to yourself.”
2. Assertive Communication
Develop assertiveness skills to express your opinions, needs, and preferences confidently and respectfully. Communicate your goals and desires to others. You can address any lingering resentment or conflicts through open and honest conversations, ultimately strengthening your relationships. Becoming more assertive will benefit both your personal and professional life. A great way to start communicating assertively is by practising saying no in low-pressure situations to build confidence and ease in setting clear boundaries.
3. Building Self-Esteem
Developing self-esteem and self-worth independent of others’ approval is crucial for overcoming people-pleasing. By recognising your priorities and strengths, you can empower yourself to focus on your needs and well-being. Embracing your unique values helps you make choices that align with your true self rather than counting on receiving external validation. Remember to put importance on taking care of your own needs, as you are the best person to take control of your life.
4. Prioritise Self-Compassion
Develop the ability to prioritise yourself by placing your needs and well-being above the urge to focus on other people’s needs. Incorporate self-care into your routine by scheduling enjoyable and relaxing activities. Regularly remind yourself of your worthiness of love and respect; positive affirmations can be constructive when reinforcing this mindset.
5. Self-Reflection
Reflect on what motivates your drive to attempt to improve the lives of others around you. The first step in implementing change is recognising and managing the factors that prevent you from progressing. Recognise triggers such as situations, emotions, or people that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies. Awareness can help you respond differently. Journalling for a couple of minutes each day can be a great way to self-reflect.
6. Challenge Negative Thoughts
Challenging thoughts and beliefs that fuel people-pleasing behaviours, such as fear of rejection or perfectionism, are essential. Challenging your thoughts can change your mindset, reduce the urge to seek approval from others, and avoid conflict.
7. Seek Support
Talk to trusted friends or family members, or seek professional support who can encourage, guide, and provide feedback as you work on changing your behaviour. When you introduce boundaries and assertive communication into your life, others close to you may observe the changes.
The best way to manage this is different for everyone. You may want to share with those closest to you that you are making positive changes, or you can work on this alone without the approval of others. Either way is okay, as the most important thing is that you are making changes and getting the support and input that is helpful for you.
8. Mindfulness and Emotional Awareness
Regular mindfulness practice is a key to gaining a deeper understanding of your emotions. It empowers you to acknowledge and validate your feelings as genuine and worthy of expression, a crucial step towards emotional well-being.
Journalling increases self-awareness and provides a space to reflect on your thoughts and feelings. By implementing mindfulness and journalling, you can diminish the urge to avoid conflict or seek approval from others, resulting in healthier relationships.
The Connection Between People-Pleasing and Vulnerability
People-pleasers often try to appease others to avoid feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable. Brené Brown emphasises that recognising and embracing vulnerability as a strength can empower you to engage more authentically in relationships, creating deeper emotional connections and self-acceptance.
Why do People Become People-Pleasers?
People-pleasers often share certain traits and psychological tendencies, here are some common reasons individuals become people-pleasers;
- High Agreeableness: If you are highly agreeable, you’re naturally cooperative and compassionate, prioritising harmony in relationships by prioritising others’ needs rather than taking care of your own needs.
- Low Self-Esteem: People with low self-esteem seek external validation to feel valued and worthy of love.
- Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: The fear of rejection or abandonment drives you to seek approval and avoid actions that might upset others.
- Perfectionism: You strive to meet the high standards of others, or often it is the high standards you have set yourself.
- Childhood Conditioning: Growing up in environments where pleasing caregivers was crucial for receiving love and attention can lead to a learned behaviour of prioritising others’ needs.
- Empathy and Sensitivity: Highly empathetic individuals often prioritise others’ needs before their own, frequently at the expense of their well-being.
- Co-dependency: In a codependent relationship, you might derive your sense of identity and self-worth from caring for and pleasing others.
- Societal Expectations, which often promote being passive and accommodating as signs of politeness and consideration, can reinforce these behaviours.
- Evolutionary Factors: The tendency to please others might stem from early human communities where acceptance and approval were crucial for survival and resource sharing.
- Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): Often associated with ADHD, RSD involves heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism or rejection, leading to overextending yourself to gain approval.
The Consequences of People-Pleasing
While people-pleasing can initially create positive interactions, it often leads to adverse outcomes, such as suppressed emotions, reduced self-worth, feelings of shame, toxic relationships, and stress and burnout. Recognising these consequences is crucial in understanding the need to break the people-pleasing pattern.
Suppressed Emotions: Prioritising others’ needs can lead to suppressing your emotions to avoid disappointing or upsetting others. Suppressing your feelings can lead to anxiety, sadness and depression, as well as physical problems such as headaches or digestive issues.
Reduced Self-Worth: Over time, you can lose touch with who you are when you listen to other people’s opinions. Decision-making may be increasingly tricky in the long run as you don’t trust your decisions.
Feelings of Guilt and Shame: Prioritising others can lead to behaviours that contradict your beliefs and values, causing feelings of shame.
Toxic Relationships: You might find yourself in relationships where others exploit your kindness or passiveness. This can, in some cases, lead to being the victim of gaslighting or abuse.
Stress and Burnout: Chronic prioritisation of others’ needs can contribute to anxiety and burnout, affecting your mental and physical health. Often, people-pleasers mask, which can be exhausting.
Are You A People-Pleaser? Recognising the Signs?
Recognising people-pleasing tendencies is a crucial step toward self-awareness and personal growth. Identifying people-pleasing tendencies is an essential step toward self-awareness. Look out for these patterns:
- Overextending Yourself: Going to great lengths to meet others’ needs, even to your detriment.
- Difficulty Saying No: You feel compelled to go above and beyond for others, even when they inconvenience you.
- Seeking Approval: Craving validation and acceptance from others to feel valued.
- Avoiding Conflict: Going out of your way to have a quiet life and keep others happy at the cost of your preferences.
Action Plan: Examples of Setting Boundaries and Being Assertive
Applying boundaries and assertiveness can vary across different contexts:
- Personal Relationships: Communicate your need for personal space or discuss sensitive topics.
- Work Environments: Assert your limits on workload or address inappropriate behaviour from colleagues.
- Social Settings: Politely decline invitations or express your preferences without guilt.
To Conclude
Breaking free from people-pleasing requires courage and self-compassion. It’s about recognising your needs and boundaries while nurturing genuine connections with others. Remember, seeking support and practising self-awareness are essential to this personal growth and empowerment journey. If you have been a people-pleaser for a long time, it can take time to change these habits, and it can mean that you are out of your comfort zone.
However, keep going, always reminding yourself that you are the most important person in your life. Giving up trying to please others is not the same as being selfish; instead, it means putting your health and happiness first. You may be surprised to discover that when you do put your needs first and communicate your preferences to others, you can develop more meaningful conditions.
If you want to stop people-pleasing but need some support, please book a discovery call.
