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Explore articles and insights on navigating life transitions, ADHD, and personal growth

Overcoming Perfectionism – Letting Go and Living Fully

Overcoming Perfectionism – Letting Go and Living Fully

Growing Up with the Pressure to Be Perfect

Some people might wonder—why is overcoming perfectionism important? Isn’t it a good thing to strive for the best?

For those of us in Gen X—and even some older Millennials—we grew up in a world that told us being perfect was the ultimate goal. The perfect score, the flawless A-star report card, excelling at everything we tried—these were the measures of success.

The Exhausting Ideal of ‘Having It All’

And it wasn’t just about achievements. As women, we were told we could have it all—the career, the looks, the partner, the money, the holidays, the beautiful children, and the picture-perfect home.

Even writing it all down feels exhausting, let alone trying to juggle everything and live up to some imagined ideal—no doubt shaped by watching TV shows where someone managed to do it all and make it look effortless.

Why Overcoming Perfectionism Matters

And that’s exactly why we need to break free from the perfectionist cycle. We are exhausted!  Luckily, things are starting to change. Schools and workplaces have begun to realise that putting this kind of pressure on young people isn’t helpful, and they’ve adapted the way they teach, grade, and reward success.

But for those of us who grew up in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, that pressure runs deep. The belief that our worth is tied to our achievements is hard to shake, and we continue striving, pushing, and measuring ourselves against an impossible standard.

What Is Perfectionism, Really?

Perfectionism is often defined as the relentless pursuit of flawlessness, accompanied by excessively high standards and an overly critical self-evaluation. But here’s the truth—perfection, by its very definition, is practically impossible to achieve.

And yet, we chase it. We believe that if we can just do everything right, life will fall into place. But perfectionism doesn’t lead to happiness; it leads to stress, anxiety, and feeling like we’re never quite enough.

It can show up in so many ways—procrastinating because you’re afraid of doing something wrong, avoiding opportunities because you’re scared of failure, or constantly feeling like your efforts aren’t good enough, no matter how much you achieve.  So, how do we begin to break free from perfectionism and embrace a life that feels more balanced and fulfilling?

Dark-haired woman making a stop sign gesture, symbolising the importance of pausing and breaking free from perfectionism.

The PAUSE Method: 5 Steps to Letting Go of Perfectionism

When I talk about overcoming perfectionism, I don’t mean giving up on your goals—goals are crucial—nor should you lower your standards. What I do mean is that we need to create a more balanced and realistic approach to life—one that allows space for mistakes, growth, and self-compassion.

That’s where PAUSE comes in—a simple way to remind yourself to take a step back and approach life with more kindness and flexibility. Setting goals that are adaptable and achievable can help you make progress without feeling like every misstep is a failure. If you’re looking for a better way to set goals that support your success, check out my blog on Ditching Resolutions and Setting Goals for Lasting Success.

P – ‘Permit’ Yourself to Be Imperfect

Perfectionism thrives on the idea that mistakes equal failure. But mistakes are how we grow and learn. Give yourself permission to be imperfect, to try, and to not get everything right the first time.

When you find the inner critic (the voice in your head) start to berate you, instead of listening reframe your thoughts.

Swap phrases like “I should have done better” with “I did my best with what I knew at the time.” By letting go of the idea that everything has to be perfect, you open yourself up to new opportunities and experiences.

A – ‘Accept’ Progress Over Perfection

One of the biggest struggles with perfectionism is feeling like if it’s not perfect, it’s not worth doing. But progress is always better than perfection. Taking small, imperfect steps is far better than staying stuck in fear of not getting it “just right.”

Set small, achievable goals and celebrate your wins—no matter how small they seem. Remind yourself that done is better than perfect, and every step forward is a step in the right direction.

U – ‘Understand’ Your Triggers

Perfectionism is often driven by experiences and expectations—whether from childhood, work environments, or social media comparisons. Understand what those triggers are and reflect. Is it pressure from others? Fear of judgment? A desire for control?

Recognising these triggers can help you take a step back and challenge them, rather than letting them dictate your actions.

S – ‘Show’ Yourself Kindness

We can be so hard on ourselves—constantly pushing, criticising, and comparing. But treating yourself with kindness is one of the most powerful ways to break the perfectionism cycle.

Start by noticing how you talk to yourself. If your inner critic is harsh, ask yourself: “What would I think of a friend who said this to me? And would I say this to a friend?”

If the answer is no, it’s time to change the script. Practising self-compassion means allowing yourself to struggle, to take breaks, and to acknowledge that you’re doing your best

E – ‘Embrace’ Flexibility

Perfectionism is rigid and unforgiving, but life isn’t meant to be lived that way. Learning to embrace flexibility allows you to adapt when things don’t go according to plan—and still feel good about it.

Instead of focusing on strict goals or expectations, try being open to different outcomes. Flexibility gives you the freedom to enjoy the journey rather than feeling tied to a single destination.

How RTT Can Help Break the Cycle

For many of us, perfectionist tendencies run deep—they’re often tied to beliefs we’ve carried since childhood. Breaking free from perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards but about developing a healthier, more balanced mindset. With the right support, you can shift from constant self-criticism to self-compassion and confidence.

If perfectionism is holding you back, I offer personalised one-to-one support to help you overcome limiting patterns and create lasting change. You can learn more about how I work here.

Moving Forward with PAUSE

Breaking free from perfectionism isn’t about giving up—it’s about living in a way that feels more aligned with who you are, not who you think you should be.

By giving yourself permission to be imperfect, accepting progress, understanding your triggers, showing kindness, and embracing flexibility, you can create a healthier, more fulfilling way of living.

Achieving Your Goals: The Role of Reflection

Achieving Your Goals: The Role of Reflection

As a Life Transitions Coach, I always encourage clients to pause and reflect on their progress. Whether you’re at the start of a new month or simply taking a moment to check in with yourself, reflection can be a powerful tool for staying on track with your goals.

Often, we begin new challenges with enthusiasm and motivation, but as time goes on, the demands of daily life can make it easy to lose focus. Taking a step back allows you to acknowledge how far you’ve come, realign your focus, and set yourself up for the weeks ahead. Celebrating even the smallest achievements can be a great way to boost your confidence and inspire you to keep moving forward.

If your reflection leaves you feeling like there’s more you could have done, let that be a source of motivation rather than frustration. Instead of dwelling on what hasn’t gone to plan, consider what you can adjust going forward. Were there any specific obstacles that stood in your way? Identifying them can help you create a clearer plan and make the next steps more achievable.

Celebrate the Wins—Big and Small

Take a minute to look back at the previous month, and reflect on what you’ve achieved. Did you stick to a new habit, take the first steps toward achieving your goals, or handle a challenging situation better than you might have before? Even small wins deserve recognition, as they are the building blocks of bigger successes.

To celebrate your progress and stay motivated in achieving your goals, try writing down your achievements in a journal, sharing them with a trusted friend, or treating yourself to something meaningful—a quiet moment of self-care, or even a small reward like a favourite book or meal. Acknowledging these moments boosts your self-esteem and reinforces the positive changes you’re making.

Understanding Self-Concept in Reflection

Reflection isn’t just about evaluating actions; it’s also an opportunity to connect with your self-concept, the way you perceive and define yourself.  Self-concept is made up of three components:

  1. Self-Image: How you see yourself, including physical attributes, personality traits, and roles in life.
  2. Self-Esteem: How much you value yourself and your abilities.
  3. Ideal Self: The person you aspire to be.

By reflecting on these aspects of self-concept, you can gain clarity on how your actions and habits align with the person you want to become. For example, does the way you’ve spent January reflect the goals and values of your ideal self? This awareness can help you make intentional changes to strengthen your self-concept and move closer to your aspirations.

What Have You Learned?

Reflection is also a chance to embrace the lessons of the past few weeks. Ask yourself:

  • What worked well for me this month?
  • What challenges did I face, and how did I respond?
  • Is there anything I’d like to approach differently moving forward?

These questions aren’t about criticism—they’re about curiosity. For example, you might realise that setting aside 10 minutes daily for mindfulness helped you feel more focused and calmer. Or perhaps you noticed that skipping your usual planning time on Sunday evenings made your week more chaotic. Understanding the patterns and choices that shaped January, you can step into February with greater clarity and intention.

Reconnect with Achieving Your Goals

The start of the year is often a time for big resolutions and goals. But now is a good time to check in with yourself:

  • Are your goals still aligned with what matters most to you?
  • Do you need to adjust your expectations or timeline?

Sometimes, we set goals that feel inspiring now but don’t reflect the reality of our lives. That’s okay. Giving yourself permission to adjust or refine your goals is a sign of growth, not failure.

A woman at her desk writing down her goals

Preparing for the Months Ahead

As you continue throughout the year, think about how you want to carry the momentum forward. Consider these steps to stay focused:

  1. Set Micro Goals: Break larger goals into smaller, more manageable steps. Progress is easier to achieve and sustain when it feels within reach.
  2. Revisit Your Priorities: Make sure your daily actions align with what’s most important to you.
  3. Celebrate Progress Along the Way: Build in moments to reflect on and reward your efforts—it keeps you motivated and encouraged.

A Fresh Start Every Month

The beauty of a year is that it offers 12 opportunities to reset and refocus. Whether January unfolded precisely as you’d hoped or brought unexpected challenges, each day, week, and month is a chance to start fresh.

Reflection allows you to move forward with purpose, confidence, and a sense of ownership over your journey, building on the progress you’ve already made or embracing the lessons learned.

Plan Your Next Steps Using Visualisation and Affirmations

As you reflect on the past month, take a moment to look ahead. Visualisation is a highly effective tool for finding focus and igniting motivation. Picture where you’d like to be in the next couple of months. What does your life look like? What habits have you embraced? How do you feel about your progress?

Pair this visualisation with affirmations to strengthen your mindset. For instance, you might say to yourself, “I am capable of achieving my goals,” or “I am becoming the best version of myself, step by step.” These positive reinforcements help align you with your intentions and remind you of your ability to create meaningful change.

I love myself as I am quote handwritten in blue and green

Take a Moment to Reflect

Before you dive into the month ahead, take a few minutes to reflect on where you’ve been, what you’ve learned, and how you want to grow. Progress isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up for yourself, one step at a time.

You’ve already started the journey, wherever you’re heading, and that’s something to celebrate. If you get stuck when working on your personal short-term or long-term goals, please check my page on Life Transitions Therapy.

Ditch Resolutions: Set Goals for Lasting Change

Resolutions vs. Goals: How to Achieve Lasting Success This Year

The start of a new year often brings a whirlwind of emotions. On one hand, it’s a time of fresh beginnings and exciting possibilities. On the other, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the weight of expectations, lingering Christmas and New Year chaos, or the pressure to set and achieve ambitious goals. If you’re feeling stuck, scattered, or emotionally drained, know you’re not alone. The key to overcoming these challenges is shifting your approach to resolutions and goal-setting to achieve lasting success.

This blog will walk you through practical strategies to create meaningful, sustainable goals and explore why resolutions often fail. By adopting a more thoughtful and evidence-based approach, you’ll not only overcome overwhelm but also build a foundation for lasting success.

Why New Year’s Resolutions Often Fail and How to Achieve Lasting Success

Many people start the year with a list of resolutions, but studies show that most fade into the background by February. Why does this happen? Resolutions often focus on sweeping changes, such as “I’ll lose weight” or “I’ll save more money,” without a clear plan to achieve them. They’re frequently rooted in external pressures or unrealistic expectations, leading to frustration and burnout. Perhaps you’ve been carrying the same goal yearly but never seem to reach it. If that sounds familiar, it might be time to reassess and approach that goal differently.

Instead of rigid resolutions, consider setting flexible, meaningful goals that allow for growth and adaptation. Goals are less about perfection and more about progress. Focusing on small, manageable steps makes you more likely to stay motivated and achieve lasting success.

Resolutions vs. Goals: What’s the Difference?

Resolutions are often rigid and outcome-focused (“I’ll run a marathon this year”), whereas goals are more flexible and process-oriented (“I’ll work up to running 5km by the spring”). Goals give you space to adjust as life changes and allow for setbacks without feeling like you’ve failed.

This kind of flexibility is especially important during life transitions when unexpected shifts can make rigid goals feel overwhelming or unrealistic. If you’re navigating change—whether in your career, relationships, or personal growth—having the right support can help you set meaningful goals that evolve with you. Learn more about how Life Transitions Coaching can help you create a plan that works for your unique journey.

How to Set Effective Goals to Achieve Lasting Success

Be Specific: Instead of saying, “I want to be healthier,” set a goal like “I’ll go for a 30-minute walk three times a week.”

Make Them Measurable: Track your progress to stay motivated.
Keep Them Realistic: Aim for incremental improvements rather than drastic changes.
Set a Time Frame: Give yourself a target date to work toward.

Effective goal-setting isn’t just about choosing the right targets—it’s about creating a structure that sets you up for success. If you want to dive deeper into how to set goals that work for you, check out my blog on Setting Goals and Achieving them.

The Science of Goal Setting and Behaviour Change

1. Habit Formation: The 21/66-Day Rule

Popular advice often suggests it takes 21 days to form a habit, but research from University College London found that behaviour typically takes around 66 days to become automatic. The key is consistency rather than speed. Small, repeatable actions—like drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning—lay the foundation for achieving lasting success. (See References below for more on habit formation.)

2. The Transtheoretical Model (Stages of Change)

The Transtheoretical Model outlines five stages of behaviour change:

  • Precontemplation: Not yet considering change.
  • Contemplation: Starting to think about change.
  • Preparation: Making plans and setting goals.
  • Action: Actively working toward the change.
  • Maintenance: Sustaining the new behaviour.

Understanding where you are in this process can help you set realistic, achievable goals. If you’re in the contemplation stage, for example, the focus should be on gathering information and building motivation before diving into action. (See References below for more on behaviour change.)

3. Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation

According to Deci and Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory, goals driven by intrinsic motivation (e.g., “I want to feel healthier and have more energy”) are more sustainable than those based on extrinsic motivation (e.g., “I want to lose weight to look good in photos”). When your goals are aligned with your core values and personal aspirations, they become more meaningful and rewarding, increasing the likelihood of long-term success. (See References below for more on motivation and behaviour change.)

4. Implementation Intentions

Research by Dr. Peter Gollwitzer suggests that creating “if-then” plans increases the likelihood of achieving goals. These simple, structured plans help you anticipate challenges and stay on track by providing clear, actionable alternatives.

For example:

  • If I feel like vaping, then I’ll chew nicotine gum instead.
  • If I’m too tired to exercise, then I’ll commit to a 10-minute walk instead of skipping it.

By planning ahead for obstacles, you make it easier to stick to your goals and avoid falling into old habits. (See References below for more on goal-setting strategies.)

Why Resolutions Fail

Common pitfalls include:

  • Setting goals that are vague or unrealistic.
  • Trying to tackle too much at once.
  • Failing to plan for setbacks or challenges.

The solution? Start small, focus on one goal at a time, and create a clear plan for success.

An Example: Sarah’s Journey to Better Health

Sarah, 32, decided to improve her health. She’s been vaping for years, often paired with a glass or two of wine in the evenings. Sarah also struggles with eating processed foods when she is on the go, out of convenience, and as result often feels tired. Sarah’s initial thoughts might be to tackle everything at once, but instead, she decides to focus on one goal at a time.

Joyful woman with yellow cloth in the sunshine signifying achieving lasting success

Step 1: Identifying Priorities and Starting Small

Sarah reflects on which change would have the biggest impact on her overall health and decides to start by addressing her wine consumption. She sets a specific, achievable goal: to completely stop drinking initially, with the possibility of later transitioning to being a social drinker rather than drinking alone. It’s important to approach this safely—if you feel you might be dependent on alcohol, it’s essential to contact a healthcare provider, as stopping drinking abruptly can have health implications. In Sarah’s case, she recognised that her drinking was more of a habit she wanted to break rather than a dependence on alcohol.

By focusing solely on this one habit, Sarah avoids feeling overwhelmed. Each small success such as one night being alcohol free is counted as a big win.  Sarah has noticed triggers such as the evenings feel much longer without drinking so she has written a list of things she can do instead of reaching our for a glass of wine such as reading, going for a walk, catching up on some documentaries she has been wanting to watch or talking on the phone with her friends.

Step 2: Building Momentum with the Domino Effect

After four weeks, Sarah feels proud of her progress. She notices that she’s already starting to feel better physically, which motivates her to address her next goal: to stop vaping. She sets a new goal: “I will cut my vaping by half over the next two weeks by using nicotine gum.”

Surprisingly, Sarah finds it easier to tackle this goal because vaping and wine have been closely linked for her. Due to stopping drinking alcohol, she is less likely to pick up her vape. She has replaced her evening glass of wine with a new collection of herbal teas, which also starts to improve her sleep.

Step 3: Expanding to Healthier Eating

With more energy and better sleep, Sarah now feels ready to address her eating habits. She doesn’t try to overhaul her diet overnight but instead focuses on a single change: “I’ll prepare a healthy dinner three nights a week, starting with simple recipes.”

After a month, cooking becomes a habit. Sarah notices she’s snacking less and feels more in control of her eating. The small changes are adding up, and she’s beginning to see how much better she feels.

Step 4: Continuing to Build Over Time

Sarah’s final focus is improving her sleep. By now, the healthier eating and reduced alcohol are already helping her feel less sluggish, but she set a clear goal to stop scrolling on her phone before bed and commit to a consistent bedtime. With each change driving the next, Sarah finds herself healthier, happier, and more energised than when she started.

Reassess and Adapt as You Go

Life is unpredictable, and your goals should be flexible enough to adapt to changing circumstances. Schedule regular check-ins with yourself to evaluate what’s working and what needs adjustment. Maybe a goal you set in January no longer feels relevant by March, or you’ve made progress faster than expected and are ready to take on a new challenge.

Tip: Reflect on your progress monthly. Celebrate wins, learn from setbacks, and adjust your goals as needed.

Building Rest and Enjoyment into Your Plan

It’s important to remember rest and happiness are essential parts of the process. Achieving your goals shouldn’t feel like a chore. Incorporate activities that bring you happiness and relaxation, whether it’s spending time with loved ones, engaging in a hobby, or simply enjoying a quiet moment with a cup of tea.

Tip: Schedule relaxation time just as you would any other commitment. Rest is productive because it replenishes your energy and focus.

Relaxing table with bouquet poppies, alarm clock and books

Conclusion

This year, to achieve lasting success, give yourself the gift of a more thoughtful, balanced approach to growth. By addressing overwhelm, setting meaningful goals, and taking a holistic view of your well-being, you can create lasting change in your life. Remember, progress is more important than perfection. Start small, reassess often, and celebrate each step forward. A healthier, happier you is within reach—one goal at a time.

References

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. Springer Science & Business Media

Gollwitzer, P. M. (1999). Implementation intentions: Strong effects of simple plans. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493-503.

Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H. M., Potts, H. W. W., & Wardle, J. (2009). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998-1009

Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. (1983). Stages and processes of self-change of smoking: Toward an integrative model of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51(3), 390–395.

6 Tips for Managing Life Transitions (with Confidence)

6 Tips for Managing Life Transitions (with Confidence)

Life transitions can be exciting, full of possibilities, and packed with hope for what’s to come. But they can also feel overwhelming. Balancing the demands of work, family, relationships, and your own well-being during times of change can leave you feeling stretched thin.

When life throws something new your way, it’s natural to find yourself at a crossroads, wondering which path to take.

Research indicates that significant life transitions can influence our personality traits, shaping how we see ourselves and our roles in the world. These shifts might feel unsettling, but they also present an incredible opportunity for growth and self-discovery.

If you’re navigating a life transition, the good news is that you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can provide the clarity, tools, and support to help you face these moments with confidence and resilience.

The Challenges of Life Transitions

Life transitions take many forms:

  • Starting university or a new career.
  • Adjusting to life with ADHD as an adult.
  • Navigating the changes that midlife brings.

While these shifts can bring exciting opportunities, they often stir up feelings of uncertainty, self-doubt, or even fear. You might wonder whether you’re making the right choices or how to handle the challenges ahead.

By taking small steps forward, you can build the confidence to approach these transitions with clarity and calmness.

  1. Embrace Change with Self-Compassion

It’s normal to feel unsure or anxious when life changes. Instead of criticising yourself for not having everything figured out, try to extend the same kindness you’d offer a friend in your position.

Try this: At the end of each day, write down one kind thing you can say to yourself about how you handled the day’s challenges. For example, “I’m proud of how I stayed calm during that meeting” or “It’s okay that I needed a break today.”

2. Create a Clear Vision of Your New Path

Take a moment to picture where you’d like to be after this transition. What does your ideal life look like? Writing down your goals and breaking them into smaller, more achievable steps can make even the most significant changes feel manageable.

Try this: Write down one goal for the week and list three small actions to help you achieve it. Ensure you take the time to feel a sense of pride when you reach your goal, as this will serve as the driver to move you forward.

3. Stay Present in the Moment

It’s easy to get caught up in ruminating about the past or worry excessively about the future, but staying focused on the present can help reduce overwhelm. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or grounding exercises, are powerful tools for staying calm and clear-headed.

Try this: Close your eyes and take five slow breaths, focusing on the sensation of air moving in and out of your body. Notice how your shoulders and chest feel as you exhale tension. Thoughts may come into your mind, but allow them to pass without judgment, and then refocus on your breathing. 

4. Build a Support System

Transitions can feel isolating, but you don’t have to go through them alone. Talking things through with supportive friends, family, or even a therapist can help you process your feelings and feel more connected.

Try this: Reach out to a trusted friend or join an online community that relates to your experience. Sharing your story can make the load feel lighter. You may be surprised as there are often people experiencing similar challenges, and it can be helpful to connect with someone who has lived experience of the changes you are working through.

5. Establish Healthy Routines

During transitions, maintaining structure in your day can create a sense of stability. Simple routines, like regular exercise, journalling, or scheduling quiet time, can help you feel more grounded and in control.

Try this: Create a morning routine with three calming actions, like stretching, sipping a cup of tea, or setting an intention for the day. A healthy routine doesn’t have to involve oodles of self-care techniques; remind yourself that often less is more.

6. Reframe Negative Thoughts

Big changes often come with self-doubt or fear of failure. Learning to challenge and reframe negative thoughts into positive ones can transform your outlook.

Try this: When you catch yourself thinking, “I’ll never manage this,” replace it with, “I’m figuring it out step by step.”

Happy female student standing outside university signifying transitioning into student life

Navigating University and Entering the Workforce: Emma’s Story

Emma, a university student, came to me during her final year. She felt overwhelmed by upcoming deadlines, her dissertation, and the challenge of balancing studies with an active social life. Together, we worked on breaking her tasks into more manageable steps, prioritising self-care, and finding a routine that made her feel organised and more confident.

After graduation, Emma faced new challenges: adjusting to life back home and transitioning into her first ‘real’ job. She worried about leaving her university friends behind and stepping into the unknown world of a 9-to-5 role.

Through therapy, Emma learned strategies for managing her anxieties, preparing for interviews, and creating boundaries between work and personal life. I’m so proud of how she overcame her fears, adapted to her new routine, and built a balanced and fulfilling life.

Emma’s story is a reminder that even the most overwhelming transitions can become stepping stones to growth.

The Benefit of Personalised Support

Life transitions are deeply personal, and the right support can make all the difference. Therapy offers tailored insights, tools, and strategies designed to help you navigate change with clarity and confidence.

My approach is holistic, addressing the mind, body, and emotions to create a sense of balance and resilience. Through mindfulness, practical techniques, and self-compassion, we work together to help you move forward in a way that feels right for you. Learn more about how I can support you on my Life Transitions page.

man standing looking at two roads decided which direction to go representing life transitions

A Holistic Approach to Life Transitions

Navigating life transitions holistically means addressing the mind, body, and spirit together. This interconnected approach acknowledges that emotional health, physical well-being, and mental clarity are important when managing change.

For instance, mindfulness techniques can reduce stress and enhance focus, while lifestyle adjustments such as maintaining a healthy diet and engaging in some physical activities support overall wellness.

Incorporating self-compassion practices nurtures emotional health and creates a grounded pathway, empowering you to move forward with confidence.

Clear Haven Therapy: Therapeutic Services

Navigating change is easier with the right support. Whether you’re looking for counselling, coaching, or RTT I offer approaches tailored to your needs. Learn more about how I can support you here.

Embracing Life Transitions: University, Midlife, and Beyond

Whether you’re moving from university to the working world, navigating midlife changes, or discovering you have ADHD in adulthood, therapy can provide the support you need. For students transitioning into the workplace, therapy creates a supportive space to address lifestyle changes, time management, and clarity in career paths.

Midlife often invites reflection and reassessment of life’s direction, from navigating menopause to exploring new career opportunities. Therapy allows you to reconnect with what truly matters, rediscovering past interests or finding new passions that resonate with your current lifestyle.

Life transitions may bring uncertainty, but they also offer the chance to grow, redefine your path, and create a life that truly aligns with you. With the right support, you can move through change with confidence, knowing that every step forward brings new opportunities.

Further Reading:

Bleidorn, W., Hopwood, C. J., & Lucas, R. E. (2018). Life Events and Personality Trait Change. Journal of Personality, 86(1), 83–96.

ADHD Coaching Tips for Workplace Success

ADHD Coaching Tips for Workplace Success

As an ADHD coach and counsellor, I’ve worked with many clients who find the workplace overwhelming. Anxiety about going into work, self-doubt, and imposter syndrome are common struggles—whether ADHD is diagnosed or not.

Managing ADHD at work comes with unique challenges, but the right strategies can make a big difference.

In this blog, we’ll explore practical techniques to help you navigate work life with ADHD. Whether you’re struggling with focus, organisation, or workplace anxiety, these tips can help you feel more confident and in control.

When work feels manageable, everything else can start to improve—your confidence, motivation, and even your overall well-being.

ADHD at Work: Understanding the Challenges

If you have ADHD, you’re not alone in finding work challenging. Research shows that adults with ADHD often change jobs more frequently, experience career instability, or go through periods of unemployment.

This can stem from difficulties with time management, organisation, task completion, and maintaining focus. For example, you might struggle to meet deadlines because time gets away from you, or find it hard to keep your workspace organised.

On top of that, impulsivity, emotional ups and downs, and sensitivity to criticism can make things even harder. Even with valuable skills, many people with ADHD struggle to find workplaces that truly support their needs, leading to frustration and career setbacks.

But here’s the good news—these challenges don’t have to define your work life. With the right support and strategies, you can turn them into opportunities for growth and success.

ADHD in Adulthood: Key Insights and Strategies

ADHD was once thought to be a childhood condition, but it’s now widely recognised as a neurodevelopmental disorder that often continues into adulthood—and sometimes isn’t identified until later in life.

For many adults who have struggled with ADHD traits without knowing the reason, receiving a diagnosis can be an emotional yet profoundly validating experience. It brings clarity, helping them understand past challenges in areas like education, work, and relationships.

More importantly, recognising ADHD opens the door to support options like Counselling and ADHD Coaching, which can provide strategies to manage the traits and build a more fulfilling life. If you’re looking for personalised support, learn more about ADHD coaching here.

Three women and one man working together in an office, using laptops and collaborating around a table, representing an ADHD-friendly workplace.

How ADHD Traits Affect the Workplace

Some ADHD traits that might seem like harmless quirks at home can have a big impact in professional settings. Common challenges include:

  • Boredom: Losing interest in tasks or projects quickly, especially repetitive or unengaging work.
  • Distractions: Struggling to stay focused due to internal distractions (like daydreaming) or external ones (like office noise or conversations).
  • Forgetfulness: Finding it hard to remember tasks, deadlines, or responsibilities.
  • Hyperactivity: Feeling restless and struggling to stay still, which can be challenging in meetings or desk-based jobs.
  • Impulsiveness: Making quick decisions or comments without fully considering the consequences.
  • Difficulty with workplace interactions: Being overly blunt, interrupting conversations, or struggling with active listening.
  • Time management issues: Underestimating how long tasks will take or frequently missing deadlines.
  • Procrastination: Delaying tasks until the last minute, even when you know it’ll cause stress.
  • Sensory sensitivities: Being easily overwhelmed by noise, bright lights, or other environmental factors, making it harder to concentrate and stay comfortable.

Overcommitting and People-Pleasing in the Workplace

If you have ADHD, you might find yourself saying “yes” to too many tasks, eager to help or afraid of letting people down. This tendency to people-please can make you a valued team member, but it often comes at a cost—burnout, overwhelm, and reduced productivity.

Learning to set clear boundaries and prioritise tasks is key to managing this habit. By recognising your limits and focusing on what truly matters, you can create a more balanced and sustainable approach to work—without feeling guilty for saying no.  If you’d like to dive deeper into people-pleasing, check out my blog on the topic.

Olivia’s Journey: ADHD Coaching in the Workplace

When Olivia reached out to me, she had just been promoted—a moment that should have felt like a win. Instead, she found herself overwhelmed by her new managerial responsibilities and interactions with senior leadership. Imposter syndrome hit hard, and making decisions—an essential part of her role—felt almost impossible.

We started by exploring how her ADHD traits were affecting her at work, helping her see that these challenges weren’t personal failings but part of how her brain processes information. Even though she had always performed well, the increased structure and demands of her new role made it difficult to focus and stay organised.

Through ADHD coaching, we worked on practical strategies to bring more structure into her day, improve time management, and develop organisational skills that worked for her. As she put these strategies into action, Olivia’s productivity improved, she learned to interpret feedback without self-doubt, and she gained confidence in her abilities. Over time, her self-esteem grew, and her workplace relationships became more positive.

Olivia’s story shows that with the right tools and support, ADHD doesn’t have to hold you back. With a tailored approach, success and growth—both personally and professionally—are absolutely possible.

Successfully Managing ADHD in the Workplace

Effectively managing ADHD at work often requires a mix of personal strategies and external support. One key step is open communication with your employer—discussing your needs can help you explore reasonable adjustments that make a real difference.

Many companies offer support, such as assistive technology, noise-cancelling headphones, or access to quiet workspaces. In the UK, the government-funded Access to Work programme can provide additional help, including specialist equipment, software, and ADHD coaching.

If you’d like to learn more about how Access to Work can support you, I’ve written a page that explains it—feel free to check it out!

Practical Strategies for Managing ADHD in the Workplace

Focusing Tools:

  • Create checklists to keep tasks organised.
  • Minimise distractions by turning off notifications.
  • Schedule specific times for returning calls and emails.
  • Use sticky notes as quick reminders.
  • Allow extra time for task completion to reduce stress.
  • Take regular breaks to recharge and maintain focus.
  • Start your workday earlier to get a head start before distractions set in.

Time-Management Tips:

  • Set alerts for deadlines to stay on track.
  • Use timers to maintain focus and prevent time slipping away.
  • Break tasks down into smaller, manageable steps.
  • Rotate tasks to sustain interest and avoid boredom.
  • Find an accountability partner for support and motivation

Communication Strategies:

  • Practice active listening to stay engaged in conversations.
  • Ask for repetition if you need clarification.
  • Keep conversations concise to stay on topic.
  • Slow down speech to ensure effective participation.
  • Read body language to improve social interactions.

Centering Techniques:

  • Use relaxation techniques like deep breathing or meditation.
  • Identify triggers for impulsivity and develop strategies to manage them.
  • Track effective strategies so you can use them when needed.

Turning ADHD Traits into Workplace Strengths

ADHD isn’t just about challenges—it also brings valuable strengths to the workplace. Many individuals with ADHD are naturally creative thinkers, generating fresh ideas and solutions by looking beyond traditional approaches.

The ability to hyperfocus on engaging tasks allows for deep, high-quality work and innovative insights. In fast-paced environments, their quick thinking, adaptability, and problem-solving skills can be a real asset.

When supported with the right strategies, these strengths help create a dynamic, productive workplace where ADHD traits become advantages rather than obstacles.

Managing ADHD at Work: Next Steps

Many individuals with ADHD face challenges at work, but with the right support and strategies, they can not only manage but thrive in their careers. If you’re struggling, know that you don’t have to figure it out alone—seeking support can make all the difference.

As an ADHD coach and counsellor, I provide tailored strategies to help you work with your ADHD, not against it, creating a more productive and less stressful work life. Support is available, and you deserve to succeed.

References:

APA (7th Edition)

Harrison, L., Wilson, M., Sargent, P. A., Haselgrove, M., & Lawrence, N. S. (2022). Evaluating the effectiveness of exposure therapy for vomiting phobia: A systematic review. BMC Psychiatry, 22, 609. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-022-04409-w

Student Success with ADHD: Daily Planning Tips for University Life

Student Success with ADHD: Daily Planning Tips for University Life

Navigating university life is an exciting milestone, but for students with ADHD, it can also be overwhelming. From managing coursework deadlines to balancing social life and self-care, structuring a routine that works for you is key.

A major study by Bristol University found that one in seven students has ADHD or autism—equating to around 14% of all students. The research also highlighted a strong link between ADHD and other neurodevelopmental conditions, such as dyslexia and dyspraxia, as well as mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.

So, how can students with ADHD thrive at university? One of the most effective strategies is creating an ADHD-friendly daily plan to improve focus, reduce overwhelm, and enhance academic success. Whether you’re newly diagnosed or have been navigating ADHD for years, this guide will provide practical strategies to help you stay organised and manage university life with confidence.

Structuring an ADHD-Friendly Schedule

Taking charge of your time management is one of the best ways to create a structured yet flexible daily routine that supports your academic and personal success. A well-planned schedule can help you prioritise tasks, reduce procrastination, and feel in control—all while allowing time for social activities and self-care.

At first, creating a routine might feel overwhelming. However, by developing an effective morning routine, using ADHD-friendly study strategies, and maintaining consistent sleep habits, you can significantly lower stress levels and set yourself up for success.

What is ADHD Paralysis?

ADHD paralysis, or task paralysis, occurs when you feel mentally ‘stuck’ and unable to begin or complete tasks—even when you know they are important. This can stem from overwhelm, perfectionism, or difficulty prioritising tasks.

Breaking free from ADHD paralysis involves:

✔ Breaking tasks into smaller steps

✔ Setting clear, realistic goals

✔ Using visual and digital organisational tools

✔ Incorporating rewards and self-motivation strategies

With the right techniques, you can regain momentum and tackle tasks with greater ease!

8 Daily Planning Tips for Students with ADHD

1. Find the Right Planner for You

Choose a planner that suits your ADHD-friendly workflow—whether that’s a digital calendar, a wall planner, whiteboard, or physical journal. There is no one-size-fits-all, so experiment until you find what works best!

If you struggle with consistency, view it as a work in progress rather than a failure. The key is to make your planner an enjoyable tool that supports your goals rather than feeling like a chore.

2. Schedule a Study Routine

Your study schedule should be anchored by non-negotiable commitments such as lectures and deadlines. Around these, schedule ‘negotiables’ such as study breaks, meals, and exercise to ensure a balanced approach to productivity and well-being.

Be flexible! If a particular study method isn’t working, adjust it until you find a structure that supports both focus and relaxation.

3. Establish a Sleep Routine

A consistent sleep schedule is essential for managing ADHD effectively. Sleep deprivation can make inattention, emotional dysregulation, and forgetfulness worse.

🔹 Try the ‘5-4-3-2-1’ method: When your alarm rings, challenge yourself to get out of bed before finishing your countdown.

🔹 Minimise screen time before bed to improve sleep quality.

🔹 Create a bedtime wind-down routine, such as listening to my free Sleep Meditation here, designed to help you relax and drift into deep, restorative sleep.

4. Organise Your Morning Routine

Your mornings set the tone for the day. Consider preparing your bag, outfit, and meals the night before to reduce stress in the morning.

Visualisation is also a powerful tool—take a few moments before bed to mentally ‘rehearse’ the next day’s plan, reinforcing structure and preparedness.

5. Maximise Your Productivity with Timers

ADHD brains often struggle with time blindness, making it difficult to estimate how long tasks will take.

✔ Use a timer to track how long your morning routine, study sessions, or commutes take.

✔ Keep an analogue clock or wall clock in your workspace instead of relying on your phone to avoid distractions.

✔ Set designated time slots for social media use to prevent unintentional procrastination.

6. Maintain Energy with Regular Meals

Nutrition plays a huge role in concentration and mood regulation. Plan meals ahead of time to avoid impulsive eating and ensure balanced intake of carbs, healthy fats, and proteins for sustained energy.

✔ Avoid sugary snacks that can lead to energy crashes.

✔ Stay hydrated throughout the day!

✔ Prepare healthy grab-and-go snacks such as nuts, yoghurt, or fruit.

7. Schedule Downtime & Self-Care

Your well-being is just as important as your academic success. Prioritise activities that relax and recharge you—whether that’s exercise, meditation, creative hobbies, or time with friends.

⏳ Balance social events with academic priorities by scheduling gatherings on lighter workload days.

💡 If you’re prone to ADHD paralysis, use small ‘reset’ activities—like taking a shower, listening to music, or going for a walk—to break the cycle and regain focus.

A group of happy university students walking together, smiling, and discussing notes, representing social and academic success for students with ADHD.

8. Practise Meditation for Focus & Calm

Meditation is an excellent tool for ADHD students, helping to improve emotional regulation, reduce stress, and enhance focus. Even just five minutes of mindfulness can strengthen concentration and clarity.

New to meditation? Try simple breathing exercises or grounding techniques instead. If you’d like extra support, my Overthinking Hypnosis Recording is designed to help quiet mental chatter and promote focus.

Final Thoughts: Creating a Routine That Works for You

Building an ADHD-friendly university routine isn’t about rigid perfection—it’s about finding what works best for you and allowing flexibility as you grow.

Here’s a quick success checklist: ✔ Flexibility: Adjust your routine as needed.

✔ Consistency: Small daily habits lead to long-term success.

✔ Accountability: Share your schedule with friends or housemates.

✔ Rewards: Celebrate small wins to keep yourself motivated!

If you need extra support in building better structure, time management, and productivity strategies, I offer ADHD coaching and therapy tailored to students. Visit my services page to learn more or book a discovery call today!

References:

FE News. (2023, September 12). One in seven university students report having ADHD or being autistic, new study reveals. FE News. Retrieved from https://www.fenews.co.uk/education/one-in-seven-university-students-report-having-adhd-or-being-autistic-new-study-reveals/

Access to Work: ADHD Strategy Coaching

Access To Work: ADHD Strategy Coaching

Living with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) can present a unique set of challenges in the workplace. If you are diagnosed with ADHD or identify as having undiagnosed ADHD, you may experience difficulties with executive functioning, emotional regulation and impulse control. These ADHD traits can impact workplace productivity and overall job satisfaction.  However, as an ADHD Coach, I can provide the correct support to help you learn techniques and strategies tailored to your unique needs, enabling you to thrive in the workplace.

What is Access to Work?

Access to Work is a government-funded program in the UK designed to help people with neurodivergent conditions, physical disabilities, or mental health issues overcome work-related barriers. If you have ADHD, Access to Work can provide funding for equipment and services to help you in the workplace, such as individual ADHD Coaching, assistive technology, and workplace adjustments.

How ADHD Coaching Can Help Through Access to Work

Access to Work provides financial support for ADHD coaching services ranging from 6 to 26 weeks. Your individual needs and circumstances determine the financial support needed, which can cover a significant portion of the coaching fees, making it more affordable and accessible.  ou can learn more about Access to Work Coaching on my webpage.

Boosting Workplace Performance Through ADHD Coaching

Personalised Strategy Development

ADHD traits show up differently for everyone; therefore, ADHD coaching looks different for everyone. A professional ADHD coach will have carried out specific training around ADHD’s challenges and can introduce practical strategies to help you succeed in the workplace. ADHD Coaching is typically a goal-oriented process; with your coach, you can plan short-term and long-term goals you would like to focus on.  An ADHD Coach will also help with other areas of your life that you may be struggling with that affect workplace performance.  For example, you may have personal goals such as cooking healthy meals or keeping your home clean and tidy, as these factors can also impact workplace performance.

Enhanced Productivity and Focus:

Enhanced Productivity and Focus: Many individuals with ADHD have problems with executive functioning, which includes difficulties with time management, emotional regulation, task initiation, prioritisation, and planning andorganisation. Part of the ADHD Coaching process is introducing techniques and strategies to help with these challenges. Setting and achieving goals will boost your self-esteem, which can help in all areas of life.  Techniques frequently used by ADHD Coaches include cognitive behavioural therapy, mindfulness practices, and strategies that can help with executive functions, emotional regulation and impulse control.

Building Confidence and Resilience:

ADHD can lead to feelings of frustration, self-doubt, and imposter syndrome, particularly relating to workplace performance. ADHD coaching can help you build confidence and self-esteem by focusing on your strengths and achievements. Developing coping strategies and concentrating on your talents is the best way to improve your work performance and overall self-worth.

Improving Communication Skills:

Communicating effectively in the workplace is essential for workplace success. For individuals with ADHD, communicating with others can, at times, be challenging, particularly in high-stress situations or when faced with complex instructions. ADHD Coaching can help you develop new skills, such as communicating assertively, advocating for yourself, asking for help or clarification, improving your social skills, and managing impulsive tendencies during conversations.

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Ongoing Support and Accountability:

ADHD Coaching is more than developing strategies; it provides ongoing support and accountability. Your coach will work with you to set goals, track your progress, adjust strategies as needed, and celebrate your successes. This regular support can be invaluable in helping you stay on track and continue to grow personally and professionally.

​Assistive Technology and Equipment:

Funding is available for various assistive technologies and equipment to aid concentration, organisation, and productivity. Examples include noise-cancelling headphones to block out distractions, screen readers to assist with reading and comprehension, and mind-mapping software to help with brainstorming and planning.

Travel and Transportation Support:

Access to Work can assist with transportation to and from work, alleviating challenges associated with commuting.

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Mental Health Support:

The Access to Work program offers a range of mental health services to manage stress and anxiety associated with ADHD. These include counselling, therapy, and access to mental health resources and support groups.

Redheaded woman sitting in a workplace holding headphones, representing support and coaching for individuals with ADHD through the Access to Work program

Who Can Apply for Access to Work Funding?

  • UK residents aged 16 and over
  • Engaged in full-time or part-time employment
  • About to start or return to jobs within the next 12 weeks
  • Self-employed

Do I Need a Formal Diagnosis to Apply for Access to Work Support?

You can still be eligible for support without a formal diagnosis. This flexibility ensures that people can access the help they need regardless of their diagnostic status.

This commitment to inclusivity guarantees that everyone, regardless of specific circumstances, is appreciated and integrated into a supportive community.

The program provides funding for ADHD Coaching and any necessary accommodation for you or your employer to ensure you can thrive. Access to Work offers grants of up to £66,000 annually. This financial support covers the costs of assistance tailored to your specific needs.

How to Apply for Access to Work Support

If you are employed, involving your employer and the HR team is beneficial when applying. They can contribute around 20% towards the funding and assist with the application process. Their support and involvement can make your application smoother and more successful.

If self-employed, you can apply directly through the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) website without employer involvement. The application form is available online.

Applying for Access to Work is straightforward. In the application, you must describe how your condition presents challenges in your role. When completing the application, strive for transparency and thoroughness to ensure you receive the support you need.

How Many ADHD Coaching Sessions Do I Need?

There is no set number of sessions required. However, if you would like to set goals and have the coach’s support while you work through your specific goals, it is recommended that you have sessions regularly, whether weekly or fortnightly. When you notice that the techniques and strategies are helping you in the workplace, you may take longer periods of time between sessions.

Access to Work: Empowering Individuals with ADHD

The Access to Work scheme ensures all individuals thrive despite difficulties. The initiative promotes a diverse and dynamic workforce where everyone can succeed.

As a counsellor and a certified ADHD Coach, I am happy to answer any questions you may have about the application process. If you have any questions or want to book a session, please get in touch with me using the link below.

Rewire Your Mind: How RTT Hypnotherapy Can Help with ADHD

Rewire Your Mind: How RTT Hypnotherapy Can Help with ADHD

Managing ADHD isn’t just about dealing with inattention, impulsivity, or hyperactivity—it’s about navigating the daily challenges that come with it.

Whether it’s struggling with focus, feeling overwhelmed by racing thoughts, or battling low self-esteem, ADHD affects more than just attention. Alongside RTT, I also offer ADHD coaching and therapy to provide tailored support in managing these challenges. If you’re looking for a personalised approach, visit my services page to explore how I can help.

What is RTT Hypnotherapy?

RTT combines elements of hypnosis, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, and neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). This unique blend allows for fast and lasting results, making it a highly effective approach for issues like executive functioning struggles, emotional regulation, phobias, and even sleep difficulties.

Developed by renowned therapist Marisa Peer, RTT uses hypnosis to bypass the critical, overactive mind and access the subconscious. This is where deep-rooted beliefs and thought patterns exist. By identifying and reshaping these, RTT helps individuals break free from limiting thoughts and develop more supportive, empowering beliefs.

If you’re looking for an alternative way to manage ADHD, whether alongside or instead of medication, RTT can be a game-changer. Below, I’ll explore five ADHD-related struggles that RTT can help with.

5 ADHD Traits RTT Can Help You Manage

1. Calm the Overthinking Mind

One of the biggest challenges for people with ADHD is an overactive mind. Racing thoughts can make it hard to concentrate, make decisions, or even relax. Overthinking can also lead to anxiety and self-doubt, making even simple tasks feel overwhelming.  I have written a blog on overthinking if you want to read more about stopping overthinking.

RTT helps quiet the mental noise. Through deep relaxation and subconscious reprogramming, RTT allows you to break free from repetitive thought loops, fostering a clearer, calmer, and more focused mindset.

If you are struggling with racing thoughts? My Unwind Your Mind – Stop Overthinking Hypnosis recording is designed to help you quiet mental chatter, regain focus, and feel more at ease.

2. Rebuild Self-Esteem

Many adults with ADHD, whether diagnosed or not, have spent years feeling misunderstood. Maybe you’ve been told you’re not trying hard enough, that you should be more organised, or that you need to ‘just focus.’ These experiences can take a toll on your self-worth.

RTT works to uncover and reframe subconscious beliefs that fuel feelings of inadequacy. By replacing these outdated narratives with empowering beliefs, RTT helps you build genuine self-confidence and approach challenges with a more resilient mindset.

3. Improve Sleep Quality

ADHD and sleep problems often go hand in hand. A restless mind can make it difficult to wind down, leading to trouble falling or staying asleep. Poor sleep, in turn, worsens focus, impulse control, and emotional regulation.

RTT helps promote relaxation, ease anxiety, and establish healthy sleep patterns. By rewiring subconscious associations around sleep, it enables you to experience deeper, more restorative rest—helping you feel more energised and clear-headed during the day.

For additional support, you can also download my free Sleep Meditation to help you unwind and drift into deep, restorative rest.

Woman lying in bed with arms up, struggling to sleep, representing insomnia and ADHD-related sleep difficulties.

4. Strengthen Self-Confidence

Confidence struggles are common for people with ADHD, especially after years of being misunderstood or feeling ‘different.’ RTT helps reinforce self-belief by addressing subconscious fears and insecurities, allowing you to step into your potential with confidence and clarity.

5. Overcome Imposter Syndrome

Do you ever feel like you’re not as competent as others think you are? That you’ve somehow ‘tricked’ your way into success? Imposter syndrome is incredibly common in adults with ADHD, holding them back from fully embracing their achievements.

RTT helps shift the subconscious beliefs that fuel these feelings, allowing you to recognise your true abilities and take ownership of your success with pride.

Is There Research to Support Hypnotherapy for ADHD?

While research into hypnotherapy for ADHD is still growing, early studies show promising results. A small-scale study by Maarit Virta at the University of Helsinki found that hypnosis helped with common ADHD challenges, including focus and emotional regulation. Another follow-up study indicated that hypnosis had a greater impact than Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in certain areas.

These findings suggest that hypnosis—particularly RTT—may offer a valuable, evidence-backed approach to managing ADHD symptoms naturally.

Final Thoughts

If you’re looking for a powerful way to manage ADHD beyond traditional methods, RTT hypnotherapy could be the missing piece. By addressing the subconscious beliefs driving your struggles, RTT helps transform the way you think, feel, and navigate life.

As a specialist in ADHD support, I combine RTT hypnotherapy with ADHD coaching, providing you with the tools and strategies to create meaningful, long-term change. Whether you want to boost focus, improve self-esteem, or finally break free from overthinking, RTT can help you unlock your full potential.

Ready to take the next step? Visit my ADHD Therapy for Adults page or book a discovery call to learn more about how RTT can help you thrive with ADHD.

References:

Virta, M., Voutilainen, S., & Talvitie, M. (2014). Better long-term outcome for hypnotherapy than for CBT in adults with ADHD: Results of a six-month follow-up. ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/264382321_Better_long-term_outcome_for_hypnotherapy_than_for_CBT_in_adults_with_ADHD_Results_of_a_six-month_follow-up

8 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

8 Tips to Stop Being A People-Pleaser

Do you find yourself agreeing with others, even when it goes against your own values or feelings? Do you want to say no or share your opinion, but somehow, you never do? If this sounds familiar, you may have people-pleasing tendencies or identify as a chronic people-pleaser.

The key difference is frequency and impact. If you occasionally put others first, your people-pleasing may be situational. But if you consistently prioritise others at the expense of your own well-being, people-pleasing may have become a deeply ingrained habit.

People-pleasing is often linked to the ‘fawn’ response, a term introduced by Pete Walker. This response describes people-pleasing as a survival mechanism, where individuals prioritise others’ needs to maintain safety and avoid conflict. While it can create a sense of security, it often leads to self-neglect and emotional exhaustion.

Many people-pleasers develop this habit due to a strong need for acceptance, approval, or harmony. Keeping others happy may feel comforting or necessary, but over time, it can cause you to lose sight of your authentic self. The fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment can make it difficult to set boundaries, reinforcing the cycle of self-sacrifice.

The good news? You can break free. Letting go of people-pleasing is empowering, and learning to prioritise your needs doesn’t mean letting others down. Here are eight practical strategies to help you overcome people-pleasing so you can live more authentically and confidently.

1. Stop People-Pleasing by Setting Strong and Healthy Boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries goes beyond simply saying no—it’s about building healthier relationships and prioritising your well-being. Being able to confidently and assertively say “no” is key to this process. By setting personal boundaries, you acknowledge that your needs are just as important as the needs of others.   While setting boundaries may take time, it is vital to personal growth and self-empowerment.

“Spread your wings and find freedom in being true to yourself.”

A free bird flying in a bright blue sky with white clouds, symbolizing freedom and breaking free from people-pleasing.

2. How to Use Assertive Communication to Set Boundaries and Gain Confidence

Develop assertiveness skills to express your opinions, needs, and preferences confidently and respectfully. Communicate your goals and desires to others. You can address any lingering resentment or conflicts through open and honest conversations, ultimately strengthening your relationships. Becoming more assertive will benefit both your personal and professional life. A great way to start communicating assertively is by practising saying no in low-pressure situations to build confidence and ease in setting clear boundaries.

3. Boosting Self-Esteem: Overcoming the Need for Approval

Developing self-esteem and self-worth independent of others’ approval is crucial for overcoming people-pleasing. By recognising your priorities and strengths, you can empower yourself to focus on your needs and well-being. Embracing your unique values helps you make choices that align with your true self rather than counting on receiving external validation.  Remember to put importance on taking care of your own needs, as you are the best person to take control of your life.

4. Self-Compassion Over People-Pleasing: How to Be Kinder to Yourself

Develop the ability to prioritise yourself by placing your needs and well-being above the urge to focus on other people’s needs. Incorporate self-care into your routine by scheduling enjoyable and relaxing activities. Regularly remind yourself of your worthiness of love and respect; positive affirmations can be constructive when reinforcing this mindset.

5. Self-Reflection for People-Pleasers: Understanding Your Patterns

Reflect on what motivates your drive to attempt to improve the lives of others around you. The first step in implementing change is recognising and managing the factors that prevent you from progressing. Recognise triggers such as situations, emotions, or people that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies. Awareness can help you respond differently.  Journalling for a couple of minutes each day can be a great way to self-reflect.

6. How to Challenge Negative Thoughts and Build Self-Confidence

Challenging thoughts and beliefs that fuel people-pleasing behaviours, such as fear of rejection or perfectionism, are essential. Challenging your thoughts can change your mindset, reduce the urge to seek approval from others, and avoid conflict.

7. Seek Support

Talk to trusted friends or family members, or seek professional support who can encourage, guide, and provide feedback as you work on changing your behaviour. When you introduce boundaries and assertive communication into your life, others close to you may observe the changes.

The best way to manage this is different for everyone. You may want to share with those closest to you that you are making positive changes, or you can work on this alone without the approval of others. Either way is okay, as the most important thing is that you are making changes and getting the support and input that is helpful for you.  I have information on my website which highlights different types of professional support that can help.

8. Increase Self-Awareness with Mindfulness and Journaling

Regular mindfulness practice is a powerful tool for understanding and processing emotions. It helps you recognise, validate, and express your feelings without self-doubt or fear of judgment—a crucial step toward emotional well-being and self-acceptance.

Journaling is another effective way to increase self-awareness, providing a space to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. Writing things down can help you identify patterns in people-pleasing tendencies and explore the underlying fears driving them. By incorporating mindfulness and journaling into your routine, you can reduce the need for external validation, build confidence in your own decisions, and strengthen your relationships.

For more insight into how journaling can support emotional growth, check out my blog on journalling.

zen stones with sunset calm late representing prioritising yourself rather than people-pleasing

The Connection Between People-Pleasing and Vulnerability

People-pleasers often go out of their way to appease others as a way to shield themselves from discomfort or emotional vulnerability. However, true connection comes from authenticity, not avoidance.

Researcher Brené Brown highlights that embracing vulnerability as a strength allows you to engage more openly in relationships, leading to deeper emotional connections and greater self-acceptance. By recognising that vulnerability is not a weakness, but rather a foundation for genuine interactions, you can start breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing.

Why do People Become People-Pleasers?

People-pleasers often share common traits and psychological tendencies that shape their behaviour. Here are some of the key reasons why individuals develop people-pleasing habits:

  • High Agreeableness – If you are naturally cooperative and compassionate, you may prioritise maintaining harmony in relationships, often putting others’ needs ahead of your own.
  • Low Self-Esteem – Seeking external validation can become a way to feel valued, accepted, and worthy of love.
  • Fear of Rejection or Abandonment – A deep-rooted fear of disapproval or being left out can drive people-pleasing behaviours.
  • Perfectionism – You may strive to meet unrealistic standards, either those set by others or ones you impose on yourself.
  • Childhood Conditioning – Growing up in an environment where pleasing caregivers was essential for receiving love and attention can lead to a pattern of prioritising others over yourself.
  • Empathy and Sensitivity – Highly empathetic individuals often absorb others’ emotions, making them more likely to put others first, even at their own expense.
  • Codependency – In codependent relationships, your sense of identity and self-worth may come from caring for and pleasing others.
  • Societal Expectations – Cultural norms often reinforce that being passive and accommodating is a sign of politeness and consideration, making it difficult to assert boundaries.
  • Evolutionary Factors – Early human communities relied on social approval for survival, which may have shaped the tendency to seek acceptance and avoid conflict.
  • Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – Often linked to ADHD, RSD involves heightened sensitivity to criticism or rejection, which can lead to overextending yourself to gain approval. Many people with ADHD find that RSD makes it difficult to set boundaries, say no, or handle feedback without feeling deeply impacted. If you’d like to explore more about ADHD and how coaching can support emotional regulation and confidence, check out my ADHD Coaching page.

The Consequences of People-Pleasing

While people-pleasing can initially create positive interactions, it often leads to adverse outcomes, such as suppressed emotions, reduced self-worth, feelings of shame, toxic relationships, and stress and burnout. Recognising these consequences is crucial in understanding the need to break the people-pleasing pattern.

Suppressed Emotions: Prioritising others’ needs can lead to suppressing your emotions to avoid disappointing or upsetting others. Suppressing your feelings can lead to anxiety, sadness and depression, as well as physical problems such as headaches or digestive issues.

Reduced Self-Worth: Over time, you can lose touch with who you are when you listen to other people’s opinions. Decision-making may be increasingly tricky in the long run as you don’t trust your decisions.

Feelings of Guilt and Shame: Prioritising others can lead to behaviours that contradict your beliefs and values, causing feelings of shame. If you would like to know more about shame you might be interested in my blog Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth.

Toxic Relationships: You might find yourself in relationships where others exploit your kinhttps://clearhaventherapy.com/understanding-and-managing-shame-for-personal-growth/dness or passiveness. This can, in some cases, lead to being the victim of gaslighting or abuse.

Stress and Burnout: Chronic prioritisation of others’ needs can contribute to anxiety and burnout, affecting your mental and physical health.  Often, people-pleasers mask, which can be exhausting.

Are You A People-Pleaser?  Recognising the Signs?

Recognising people-pleasing tendencies is a crucial step toward self-awareness and personal growth. Identifying people-pleasing tendencies is an essential step toward self-awareness. Look out for these patterns:

  • Overextending Yourself: Going to great lengths to meet others’ needs, even to your detriment.
  • Difficulty Saying No: You feel compelled to go above and beyond for others, even when they inconvenience you.
  • Seeking Approval: Craving validation and acceptance from others to feel valued.
  • Avoiding Conflict: Going out of your way to have a quiet life and keep others happy at the cost of your preferences.

Action Plan: Examples of Setting Boundaries and Being Assertive

Applying boundaries and assertiveness can vary across different contexts:

  • Personal Relationships: Communicate your need for personal space or discuss sensitive topics.
  • Work Environments: Assert your limits on workload or address inappropriate behaviour from colleagues.
  • Social Settings: Politely decline invitations or express your preferences without guilt.

 To Conclude

Breaking free from people-pleasing requires courage and self-compassion. It’s about recognising your needs and boundaries while nurturing genuine connections with others. Remember, seeking support and practising self-awareness are essential to this personal growth and empowerment journey. If you have been a people-pleaser for a long time, it can take time to change these habits, and it can mean that you are out of your comfort zone.

However, keep going, always reminding yourself that you are the most important person in your life. Giving up trying to please others is not the same as being selfish; instead, it means putting your health and happiness first. You may be surprised to discover that when you do put your needs first and communicate your preferences to others, you can develop more meaningful conditions.

If you want to stop people-pleasing but need some support, please book a discovery call.

Further Reading:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.

Men’s Mental Health: Breaking Barriers and Embracing Therapy

Men’s Mental Health: Breaking Barriers and Embracing Therapy

Mental health challenges don’t discriminate—anyone can struggle, regardless of gender. But despite this, many men hesitate to seek therapy, often feeling they need to handle things on their own. The reality is that therapy can be a powerful tool for working through challenges like anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, and trauma.

Men experience mental health struggles just as much as women, but they often show up differently. For example, depression in men doesn’t always look like sadness—it can come out as frustration, irritability, or even anger. Suppressing emotions over time can lead to stress, anxiety, and physical symptoms like tension headaches, digestive issues, or muscle pain.

Recognising these patterns is the first step toward change. Therapy offers a safe space to process emotions, develop coping strategies, and build resilience. No one has to struggle alone.

Therapy for Men – The Statistics

Many men mask symptoms of depression with an “I just need to get on with it” mindset. This approach often leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as alcohol use, substance abuse, pornography addiction, or gambling. By the time these habits become problematic, mental health may have already deteriorated significantly.

The statistics reveal just how urgent this issue is:

  • In 2021, Scotland recorded 556 deaths by suicide, according to the National Records of Scotland (NRS). This is 73% higher than the 206 deaths by suicide among women. Similar patterns are seen across England and Wales.
  • Men with alcohol dependence are more likely to have a history of conduct disorder or antisocial personality disorder, whereas women with alcohol dependence are more likely to have coexisting mood or anxiety disorders (Dawson et al., 2010).
  • According to the government’s national well-being survey, men report lower life satisfaction than women.
  • Only 36% of NHS counselling referrals are for men, despite the widespread need for support.
  • Nearly three-quarters of missing adults are men.
  • 87% of rough sleepers are men.

These numbers highlight the urgent need for better support, awareness, and accessible mental health resources tailored to men.

Why Do Men Avoid Therapy? Understanding the Barriers

Understanding why many men hesitate to seek therapy is key to breaking the cycle of silence. Here are some common barriers:

  • Societal Expectations: From a young age, men are often told to be “strong, self-reliant, and in control.” These ingrained beliefs can make seeking help feel like a weakness when, in reality, it’s an act of strength.
  • Shame and Guilt: Turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms—like alcohol, gambling, or social isolation—can lead to guilt or self-disgust, making it even harder to reach out. However, therapy offers a judgment-free space to process emotions in a healthier way. If shame is something you struggle with, you may find my blog on understanding and managing shame helpful.
  • Stigma Around Mental Health: The idea that therapy is only for “serious problems” still lingers. But just like physical health, mental health needs regular care and attention. Talking openly about emotions can help normalise therapy as an essential part of self-care.
  • Fear of Vulnerability: Opening up can feel uncomfortable, especially for men who have been conditioned to keep emotions bottled up. Yet vulnerability is not a weakness—it’s a strength. Therapy can help build emotional resilience and strengthen relationships.

If you’re struggling with these barriers, seeking support is the first step. My counselling and coaching services provide a safe space to explore these challenges and develop practical strategies for personal growth.

Case Study: James’ Story

James, a 38-year-old professional, always considered himself independent. From a young age, he was taught that men should be strong, self-reliant, and in control. When he started struggling with anxiety and stress, he ignored the signs, telling himself to “just get on with it.” Instead of addressing his emotions, he turned to late nights, drinking, and overworking as coping mechanisms.

Despite knowing he wasn’t himself, James hesitated to seek help. Here’s why:

  • Societal Expectations: Like many men, James believed that asking for support was a sign of weakness, even though he would never judge a friend for doing the same.
  • Shame and Guilt: His coping mechanisms only made him feel worse, trapping him in a cycle of guilt and self-disgust. He worried that talking about his struggles would make him look “less capable.”
  • Stigma Around Mental Health: He feared others would think he had serious issues if he went to therapy. It felt easier to push through alone—until it became overwhelming.
  • Fear of Vulnerability: James found it difficult to open up, even to those closest to him. The idea of sharing his thoughts with a therapist felt uncomfortable and exposing.

Eventually, James decided to seek help. He found that therapy provided a judgment-free space to process emotions, challenge limiting beliefs, and develop healthier coping strategies. Over time, he realised that vulnerability wasn’t a weakness—it was a strength.

How Men Can Benefit From Therapy

Therapy provides a safe, judgment-free space for men to openly discuss their concerns and express themselves freely—without fear of rejection or pressure to “have it all together.”

Working with a therapist can help men develop healthy coping strategies, such as:

✔ Emotional regulation – learning to manage stress, anger, and anxiety in healthier ways.
✔ Meditation & grounding exercises – techniques to stay present and reduce overwhelm.
✔ Journalling – a practical way to process thoughts and emotions.
✔ Assertive communication & boundaries – building confidence in expressing needs and setting limits.

Some men use therapy to process past experiences that may still be affecting them, while others prefer to focus on practical solutions for the present. There’s no right or wrong approach—what matters is finding what works best for you.

The Broader Impact of Therapy for Men

Seeking therapy isn’t just about personal growth—it also has a wider impact on relationships, work, and society as a whole.

Normalising Therapy for Men

By prioritising your mental health, you send a powerful message to those around you—including friends, family, and colleagues—that seeking support is a positive step, not a weakness. Being open about therapy can help break the stigma and encourage a culture where men feel comfortable discussing emotions without fear of judgment.

Strengthening Relationships

Emotional awareness and regulation play a crucial role in building strong, fulfilling relationships. When men understand their emotions and develop healthy coping strategies, they are more likely to:

✔ Communicate more openly with loved ones.
✔ Strengthen bonds with family and friends.
✔ Develop greater empathy, leading to deeper connections.

Enhancing Job Performance

Workplace stress can feel overwhelming, especially when mental health struggles go unaddressed. Therapy can help by:

✔ Reducing work-related stress and anxiety.
✔ Improving focus, decision-making, and productivity.
✔ Enhancing communication and teamwork skills.

Prioritising mental well-being doesn’t just benefit you—it positively influences your personal and professional life, creating a ripple effect that helps normalise therapy for others.

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When To Reach Out for Therapy

Recognising when you might need support is an important step toward improving your mental well-being. If you’ve experienced any of the following, therapy could help you regain balance and clarity:

  • Feeling more easily irritated than usual.
  • Experiencing bursts of anger or aggression.
  • Feeling sad, down, or emotionally drained.
  • Struggling with overwhelm, stress, or pressure.
  • Unexpected weight changes (gain or loss) without a clear cause.
  • Increasing alcohol or drug use as a coping mechanism.
  • Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed.
  • Struggling to focus at work, school, or home.
  • Having more frequent headaches or feeling unwell with no clear explanation.
  • Experiencing sleep disturbances, such as sleeping too much or too little.
  • Feeling exhausted even after a full night’s sleep.

If any of these sound familiar, you don’t have to navigate them alone. Therapy offers a safe space to explore what’s going on and develop strategies to feel more in control.

To Conclude

Therapy offers men a path to better mental health, stronger relationships, and greater overall well-being. By breaking down barriers and encouraging open conversations, we can create a world where men feel empowered to prioritise their mental health without stigma or hesitation.

As a counsellor and coach specialising in men’s mental health, I provide a safe, supportive space to help you navigate life’s challenges. If you’re ready to take the first step, book a discovery call today. Reaching out isn’t a weakness—it’s a sign of strength, and you deserve the support to feel more confident, in control, and at peace with yourself.

References

Khan, S. S., Secades-Villa, R., Okuda, M., Wang, S., Pérez-Fuentes, G., Kerridge, B. T., & Blanco, C. (2013). Gender differences in lifetime alcohol dependence: Results from the National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions. Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, 37(10), 1696–1705. https://doi.org/10.1111/acer.12159

Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth

Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth

Shame is a complex emotion that can negatively impact your quality of life if not managed effectively. Recognising and understanding shame is the first step toward freeing yourself from the grip of this often painful emotion. When shame takes hold, individuals often feel inadequate or fundamentally flawed. These feelings of shame can stem from various life experiences, including negative beliefs or unrealistic social norms.

For some, chronic shame may be rooted in a deep sense of embarrassment, leading to low self-esteem and a negative self-perception. However, overcoming this powerful emotion through self-compassion and intentional personal growth is possible.

Shame Vs. Guild – The Key Differences

Recognising the distinction between guilt and shame is crucial for managing emotional responses effectively:

  • Feelings of shame focus on the self, often leading to low self-esteem and negative thoughts. It’s the belief that “I am bad.”
  • Feelings of guilt, however, focus on actions, leading to the thought, “I did something bad.”

For example, if a student cheats on a test, they may feel guilty by thinking, “I made a poor choice.” On the other hand, shame would cause them to believe, “I am a bad person.” Similarly, if someone is late for a meeting, they may feel embarrassed, but it could develop into shame if they start to believe they are inherently unreliable.

illustration of woman with fingers pointing towards her representing feeling shameful

Shame Vs. Embarrassment

While related, shame and embarrassment are distinct emotions. Embarrassment often involves temporary discomfort about a specific situation without long-term effects on one’s self-worth. For instance, spilling a drink at a party might cause embarrassment. However, if it leads to thoughts like “I am clumsy” or “I’m not good enough,” it may trigger feelings of shame.

Situations like being criticised at work, experiencing a breakup, or not meeting societal beauty standards can also lead to negative self-perception and shame. Understanding these differences can help you to navigate your emotional experiences and prevent self-destructive behaviours.

The Evolutionary Roots of Shame

According to research by Sznycer et al. (2016), shame evolved as a defence mechanism to protect individuals from social rejection. In ancient times, being valued by the community was crucial for survival. As a powerful emotion, shame encourages individuals to conform to social norms and maintain positive relationships.

Today, while the environment has changed, the emotional response remains. However, modern pressures—such as social media comparisons—can intensify feelings of inadequacy. This negative self-talk can make it more challenging to navigate negative thoughts and emotions healthily.

When Is Shame Not Helpful?

Shame becomes toxic when it leads to excessive self-criticism, causing toxic shame. This often involves self-destructive behaviours and can result from early life experiences such as trauma, abuse, or emotional neglect. Toxic shame leads to a belief that one is fundamentally flawed, unlovable, or incapable of being a better person.

Managing Toxic Shame

If your feelings of shame become overwhelming or difficult to manage, professional help may be necessary.  Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help challenge negative beliefs and reframe negative self-talk. If self-help techniques or confiding in a trusted friend don’t alleviate the feelings, reaching out to a therapist or joining a safe space like a support group may provide relief.

How Shame Affects the Body and Mind

Shame triggers a series of physiological and psychological responses:

  • Emotional well-being: Feelings of shame can lead to chronic stress, which affects your emotional and mental health. You might experience a feeling of inadequacy, a desire to hide, or even inner critical thoughts that negatively impact your sense of self-worth.
  • Physical symptoms: Shame can activate the body’s stress response, causing physical health issues such as an increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, muscle tension, sweating, and digestive problems.
  • Mental health issues: Prolonged shame weakens the immune system, making individuals more susceptible to illness while also affecting mental health, concentration, and decision-making.

Six Effective Ways To Manage Shame

Overcoming shame involves implementing practical, healthy strategies:

  1. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Utilise CBT techniques to challenge negative self-perception. For example, replace “I’m a complete failure” with “I am on a journey of personal growth.”
  2. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with care and engage in activities that enhance your emotional well-being, like journaling or spending time in nature.
  3. Learn and Grow: Consider mistakes to be an opportunity for growth. View shame as a tool to realign your behaviours with your values, thus becoming a better person.
  4. Mindfulness and Breathing Techniques: Practice mindfulness and use grounding exercises or breathing techniques to manage your emotional responses. These methods help calm the central nervous system and bring balance.
  5. Positive Self-Talk: Focus on affirmations that build your positive self-image. Journalling is an effective way to track your achievements and strengths.
  6. Talk About It: Opening up about feelings of shame with a trusted friend, a support group, or a professional can reduce isolation and help you gain perspective. If you’re looking for one-to-one support, my counselling and coaching services offer a safe space to explore and reframe these feelings.

man with arms outstretched representing freedom from feelings of shame

To Conclude

Shame is challenging, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding its roots and practising effective ways to manage it, you can reclaim your sense of self-worth and cultivate a positive self-image. Embrace your personal development journey by building emotional well-being, practising self-compassion, and overcoming shame’s negative grip.

If you’re ready to address toxic shame and achieve personal growth, consider seeking professional support through therapy or coaching. Take the first step toward living with confidence and peace. Book a free discovery call today.

References:

Sznycer, D., Tooby, J., Cosmides, L., Porat, R., Shalvi, S., & Halperin, E. (2016). Shame closely tracks the threat of devaluation by others, even across cultures. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 113(10), 2625–2630. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1514699113

Why Do I Get So Angry? Anger Management Strategies That Work

Why Do I Get So Angry? Understanding and Managing Anger

Anger is a natural and universal emotion, but when it feels overwhelming or uncontrollable, it can take a toll on your well-being and relationships. If you find yourself wondering, “Why do I get so angry?” you’re not alone. Many people struggle with anger, but the good news is that it can be managed effectively.

What is Anger?

Anger is your body’s way of alerting you to a perceived threat, injustice, or frustration. It can be a useful signal that something needs attention, whether it’s a personal boundary being crossed or an ongoing stressor in your life.

When managed well, anger can help you set boundaries, advocate for yourself, and take action in challenging situations. It can even drive positive change, making you more resilient and motivated to stand up for your values. However, when anger spirals out of control, it can negatively impact your relationships, work, and mental health

Why Do I Feel So Angry?

Anger isn’t just about what’s happening in the moment. It can be influenced by a combination of personal experiences, neurological factors, and underlying emotions such as stress, anxiety, or frustration. Factors that may contribute to increased anger include:

  • Past experiences and learned behaviours
  • Neurodevelopmental conditions such as ADHD or autism
  • Chronic stress or unresolved trauma
  • Physical health issues or hormonal imbalances
  • Feeling unheard, disrespected, or powerless

Understanding your personal triggers is key to managing anger more effectively.

How Anger Affects the Body

When anger strikes, your body enters a heightened state of arousal, activating the ‘fight-or-flight’ response. This survival mechanism releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, leading to physical symptoms such as:

  • Increased heart rate and blood pressure
  • Muscle tension and clenched fists
  • Sweating and flushed skin
  • Restlessness or difficulty concentrating
  • Difficulty sleeping

These responses are helpful in real emergencies, but when they occur frequently due to everyday frustrations, they can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and even long-term health issues.

Physical Exercise can help you to release anger, and it is good for your overall mental health.

How Do People Express Anger?

People express anger in different ways, often without realising it. Recognising your patterns can help you take control before anger escalates. Some common expressions of anger include:

Verbal Expressions

  • Raising your voice, shouting, or swearing
  • Using sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments
  • Blaming others or making accusations
  • Making threats or ultimatums

Non-verbal and Behavioural Expressions

  • Tense body language, clenched fists, or frowning
  • Withdrawing or refusing to communicate
  • Slamming doors, throwing objects, or physical aggression
  • Engaging in self-destructive behaviour, such as over-eating or substance use

The Impact Of Uncontrolled Anger

Unchecked anger can have serious consequences for your well-being and relationships. Over time, it may lead to:

  • Physical health issues such as high blood pressure and a weakened immune system
  • Mental health struggles including anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem
  • Relationship breakdowns due to conflict and poor communication
  • Workplace difficulties affecting job performance and professional reputation

How to Manage Anger Effectively

Learning to manage anger doesn’t mean suppressing it—it’s about expressing it in a way that is healthy and constructive. Here are some strategies that can help:

Identify Your Triggers

Start by recognising what situations or thoughts tend to trigger your anger. Are there recurring patterns? By identifying these triggers, you can begin to address them before they escalate.

Take a Step Back

When anger starts to build, step away from the situation if possible. A short break can help you calm down and respond more rationally.

Use Relaxation Techniques

Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualisation can help reduce the intensity of anger. Before reacting, try taking slow, deep breaths and counting to ten. If you’d like more strategies, my blog on Grounding Techniques offers practical ways to stay calm and in control.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Cognitive restructuring involves changing the way you interpret situations. Instead of thinking, “This is so unfair,” try shifting your perspective to, “I can handle this calmly and find a solution.”

Practice Effective Communication

Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming others. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” try, “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard.”

Engage in Physical Activity

Exercise is a great way to release built-up tension and lower stress hormones. Activities such as walking, running, or even hitting a punch bag can be effective outlets.

Find Healthy Outlets for Your Emotions

Creative outlets like writing, painting, or playing music can help you express your feelings in a non-destructive way.

Create an Anger Management Plan

Develop a personalised plan with coping strategies you can use when anger arises. Having a clear plan makes it easier to respond calmly in the moment.

When to Seek Professional Support

If anger is affecting your daily life, relationships, or overall well-being, professional support can make a difference. Counselling, coaching, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), and hypnotherapy can provide tools to help you manage anger more effectively and improve emotional regulation.

As a therapist, I support clients in developing personalised anger management strategies to regain control over their emotions and build healthier relationships. If you’re ready to take the next step, visit my services page to learn more about how I can help.

Final Thoughts

Anger is a natural emotion, but how you handle it shapes your well-being. By understanding your triggers, using effective coping strategies, and seeking support when needed, you can turn anger from a destructive force into a tool for positive change.

If you’d like to explore support options for managing anger, get in touch to book a discovery call. Managing anger is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Top 5 Tips for Setting Goals and Achieving Them

Top 5 Tips for Setting Goals and Achieving Them

Research shows that setting clear, structured goals significantly increases the likelihood of achieving them. Bailey (2019) explores this in Goal Setting and Action Planning for Health Behavior Change, emphasising the importance of a step-by-step approach—especially when working towards health-related goals. According to Bailey, action planning provides a clear path to success, ensuring efforts are focused and effective.

But goal setting isn’t just about achievement; it’s about taking control of your life and making meaningful progress. It’s easy to get distracted by daily demands, but setting personal goals—not just academic or career-focused ones—can be just as valuable. Achieving a goal doesn’t just move you forward; it boosts confidence, enhances self-esteem, and supports mental well-being.

No matter your age, it’s never too late (or too early) to start goal setting. Research by the National Foundation for Educational Research highlights that goal-setting frameworks, such as SMART goals, improve motivation and academic performance (Lord, Atkinson, & Mitchell, 2008). If you’re in college or university, now is the perfect time to develop this powerful habit. If you’re interested in learning more about daily planning tips, check out my blog.

1. Setting the Foundation: Writing and Defining Your Goals

Writing down your long-term goals is the first step towards turning aspirations into reality. Reflect on what is truly important to you and where you envisage yourself in the future. It could be in one month or year—whatever works for you. Gaining a clear vision of your goal is an important part of the goal-setting process.

If you only have vague goals, a good strategy is to get creative, design a vision board, and find photos and quotes that grab your attention.  Visualising a specific goal can bring it to life and give you a clear vision of where you want to be in the future. Also, getting creative is fun and has many mental health benefits.

Remember, a goal doesn’t have to be something extreme, such as running a marathon or skydiving (although it can be if that’s what you want!). Your personal goals can be anything that’s important to you, whether health or professional, or you want to focus on personal development goals.

Setting one goal can positively impact other areas of your life.  For instance, a personal development goal could be to boost your confidence and self-esteem. Increasing your confidence and self-esteem can open doors to new experiences, and you will learn to trust your decisions more. Personal development goals can be the best way to set the foundations for practical goal setting.  As you set new goals, discover how the role of reflection can support your progress in my blog.

2. Milestone Setting: Tracking Achievements

Once you have your big goal, the next step is to break it down into smaller goals and then break these smaller goals down into more manageable tasks.  A big goal can feel overwhelming if you imagine yourself standing at the bottom of a vast mountain; the top can seem so far off, and reaching the top can feel unachievable. However, climbing that mountain can feel doable when you break it down into manageable tasks.

A good idea is to set aside time to note down everything you need to do to complete a task. Putting pen to paper can give you a clearer understanding of what you must do to achieve that task and increase your chances of success.  It can often be the smaller tasks that are the most important steps, so getting these onto paper can be highly beneficial.

Keeping a to-do list can be an excellent way to keep you on track; you can then update it daily, marking off your achievements.  Your achievements are your driver to move forward, so it’s so important to celebrate them. When completing tasks, it can be helpful to identify any barriers you may come across and then do some problem-solving to decide how to overcome them. Balancing this with self-care is essential, as working towards your goals can be hard work. Reminding yourself of ‘why’ you want to reach your goal is another factor that will help drive you towards the finishing line.

man jumping through gap in cliffs signifying reaching your goals

3. Make Goal-Setting Achievable

I advocate for thinking big and not letting anything stand in your way, but it is also essential to set realistic goals. It’s about getting the balance right, as there are some things you need to consider when setting goals. For example, suppose the big goal is to climb Kilimanjaro. In that case, there is a lot to consider, such as physical fitness, mental well-being, the possibility of altitude sickness, booking vaccines, and available finances.

The next step towards positive goal setting is devising an action plan. To do this, write down the different factors you need to consider. Then, note the actionable steps it will take to complete each factor. You could work on them individually, or you might work on some simultaneously.

Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone when setting goals is positive, as ambitious goals are great for personal growth. However, you also want to avoid getting overwhelmed. So, think big, but also consider your capabilities and the available resources before setting goals, tasks, and time scales.

4. Set Timeframes: Assign Deadlines to Create a Sense of Urgency

Time scales and deadlines are essential to goal setting as they keep you on track, make you accountable, and can prevent procrastination and perfectionism.  You can gauge your progress by setting target dates for each task, including the small goals. There can be room for movement with this; it can be challenging to know how long a particular task will take, as it can depend on your current situation, such as external factors.

However, having an estimated timescale can keep you motivated as you know that each minute you work on the task brings you closer to reaching the end goal. For greater goal-setting success, you must clearly understand what you must do to achieve the big goal. You can then break this down into daily tasks.

man with arms outstretched enjoying freedom representing reaching goals

5. Seek Accountability and Be Resourceful

Keeping yourself accountable is another crucial part of goal setting. It can be easy to get off track, as other exciting things might appear while you work on a task. If this happens, note down whatever distracted you and spend time on it when you have a planned timeout. Some great online accountability trackers can help with motivation and organisation and keep you accountable.

Sharing your goal with a family member or trusted friend can help keep you accountable. However, if you prefer not to share your goal-setting journey with others, try writing about it in your journal or checking if there are local groups or an online community of people with similar goals. Professional help is also available if you would like a counsellor or coach to help you on your goal-setting journey. You can check out my services page for more information.

Checking your progress regularly is a great way to ensure you’re on the right track. It’s important to remember to celebrate your achievements, even if you feel they’re small steps. After all, small steps can lead to big changes. Having a list of tasks can feel daunting, so take time to look back at what you have achieved with pride.

SMART Goals

SMART goals are a structured approach to goal setting often used by professional coaches. It is also a technique you can implement if you are self-coaching.  The SMART Goal acronym is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound.  Let’s break down SMART Goals and what they mean.

  • Specific: Set the goal that you want to accomplish
  • Measurable: Plan how you are going to track your success
  • Achievable: Check your goal is realistic
  • Relevant: Ensure there are beneficial outcomes
  • Time-bound: Create a deadline and prioritise tasks

Following the SMART goal criteria will ensure you clearly understand your goals and confirm they are within reach.

note book with handwritten smart goals open on a table with glasses and sticky notes.

Empowering Yourself Through Self-Coaching

If you are self-coaching rather than working with a professional coach, a great tip is to follow the SMART goals model to keep on track. Reaching your goals can be a transformative journey that can foster growth and resilience.

When you achieve your goals, you prove to yourself that anything is possible when you fully invest in the process. Reaching your goals highlights the power we hold within ourselves.

What to Take into Consideration When Self-Coaching:

  • Understanding Motivation: Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation

What drives you to achieve your goals? Are you motivated by internal satisfaction (intrinsic motivation) or external rewards (extrinsic motivation)? Understanding what fuels your ambitions can help you tailor your approach and stay committed to long-term success.

  • Overcoming Obstacles: Handling Setbacks and Failures

Resilience is key to goal setting. Challenges, setbacks, or feelings of failure are part of the process. Having strategies in place to navigate obstacles can help you stay focused and continue moving forward, even when progress feels slow.

  • The Importance of Mindset: How a Growth Mindset Supports Goal Achievement

A growth mindset is essential for success. If you believe you can’t reach your goals, you’re far less likely to achieve them. Self-belief and self-esteem play a crucial role in progress—working on these areas can make goal-setting more effective and fulfilling.

  • The Role of Reflection: Reviewing and Revising Goals

Your goals may evolve over time, and that’s okay. Regularly reviewing and adjusting your goals ensures they remain relevant to your life and aspirations. Life changes, new interests, or shifting priorities can impact your objectives, so checking in with yourself can keep you on the right track.

  • The Power of Visualisation and Affirmations

A clear mental image of your goal can reinforce your motivation and help you stay committed. Visualisation makes your goal feel real, helping you take inspired action, while affirmations strengthen positive beliefs and self-confidence.

  • The Impact of Environment: Creating a Space for Success

Your surroundings influence your mindset and productivity. Having a dedicated space for planning or working toward your goals can improve focus. Similarly, surrounding yourself with supportive people or communities can provide encouragement and accountability.

  • Health and Wellbeing: The Foundation for Goal Achievement

There’s a strong connection between physical health, mental wellbeing, and goal success. Eating a nutritious diet, exercising regularly, and prioritising sleep can improve focus, energy levels, and resilience—making it easier to stay on track.

  • Leveraging Technology: Tools and Apps for Goal Tracking

Tracking progress keeps you motivated. Whether you prefer a journal or digital goal-tracking apps, these tools can boost accountability and help you celebrate milestones along the way.

  • Goal Setting for Different Life Stages

Goals naturally shift as you move through different life stages. What mattered in your student years may differ from your priorities as a parent or professional. Reassessing your goals ensures they align with your current circumstances and aspirations.

  • The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Goal Setting

Emotional awareness and self-regulation play a key role in goal achievement. Stress, motivation, and relationships can all impact your journey. Having tools to manage emotions effectively can help you stay resilient and focused.

Case Study: From Self-Coaching to Professional Guidance

Adam, a 35-year-old IT support specialist, contacted me for life coaching as he struggled to reach his goal through self-coaching. Adam’s goal was to find satisfaction and happiness in his daily life. Adam believed he might need to change his career to achieve this, but he was feeling some resistance and couldn’t decide if this was the correct step.

We explored Adam’s core values, long-term aspirations, and what motivated him. Adam found that creativity, adventure, and friendships were high on his list of values, but these values weren’t showing up much in his life. Subsequently, Adam recognised that his professional life was not causing him to feel dissatisfied, as he spoke positively about his role as an IT specialist. However, he recognised that work had become his sole purpose and identity.

When Adam recognised that his time outside of work was equally important as his time at work, his overall goal changed. With this updated goal in mind, Adam structured a plan and considered any potential barriers. Adam described himself as an introvert, which he felt held him back socially. We discussed Adam’s introverted traits and how he could embrace them by focusing on his strengths and introducing self-care into his life. We also worked on his limiting beliefs around being an introvert.

Counselling and Coaching Approach

We examined Adam’s needs and preferences through a counselling and coaching approach. Adam came up with ideas that aligned with his values: creativity, adventure, and friendships. Adam tried out many new ventures before finding a hobby he is now passionate about; this has increased his social circle, and he feels he has a sense of purpose inside and outside the workplace.

Adam’s situation demonstrates that the first step is to identify the goal entirely. Adam continued to successfully use his self-coaching skills to achieve his ultimate goal while engaged in coaching sessions. During a recent session with Adam, he expressed how these changes had added value to his life, and he now feels he has the happiness and sense of satisfaction that he was searching for when he began self-coaching. Adam felt self-coaching and professional coaching were the best route for him, and overall, he feels a great sense of accomplishment for the hard work he has put into getting to where he is today.

To Conclude

Applying the above tips empowers you to take charge of your goal-setting journey as your coach or mentor.   Self-coaching can be highly beneficial. However, it’s also okay to reach out to a trusted friend or for professional help if you feel you would like that extra bit of support.

References:

Bailey, T. (2019). Goal Setting and Action Planning for Health Behavior Change. Journal of Health Psychology, 24(3), 321-335.

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior. Springer Science & Business Media.

Lord, P., Atkinson, M., & Mitchell, H. (2008). The Role of Learning Goals in Motivation and Academic Success. National Foundation for Educational Research.

Schunk, D. H., & DiBenedetto, M. K. (2020). Motivation and social-emotional learning: Theory, research, and practice. Contemporary Educational Psychology, 60, 101830.

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