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Explore articles and insights on navigating life transitions, ADHD, and personal growth

Building Self-Confidence: Break Negative Patterns with Small Shifts

Building Self-Confidence and Breaking Negative Patterns 

Have you ever felt stuck in the same old loops—thinking the same thoughts, reacting in the same ways, and wondering why it’s so hard to move forward? Those are negative patterns at work. That little voice in your head saying, “I’ll never be good enough,” or maybe you downplay the success you have had as “luck” instead of acknowledging your own hard work (hello imposter syndrome!).  Many therapies can help with Imposter Syndrome, especially if it’s a recurring pattern in your life. Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) is one approach that works at a deep subconscious level to break these patterns and build lasting confidence.

These patterns can sneak in slowly, shaping how you see yourself and what you believe is possible. Over time, they chip away at your confidence, keeping you stuck in a cycle of doubt. The thing is, these patterns don’t define you, and they’re not permanent. They can be broken. When you start shifting your mindset—even in small ways—you can build self-confidence that feels real, not forced.

A great way to begin changing these thought loops is through meditation. You can claim a free one below to help you get started!

GRACE: Your Guide to Breaking Patterns

When this happens I like to remind myself of GRACE: Gratitude, Reflection, Alignment, Connection, and Embracing small habits.

Following these steps, using the word GRACE as a reminder for each one, helps you replace those negative loops with something stronger, kinder, and more aligned with the person you’re becoming.

G – Gratitude Shifting Your Focus

Negative patterns tend to zero in on what’s missing or what’s wrong. Gratitude is the antidote. It’s not about pretending everything’s perfect; it’s about noticing the good, even in the messy moments.

One thing I do is keep a gratitude jar. Each day, I write one thing I’m thankful for on a post-it note and drop it in the jar. It could be something as small as a quiet morning with a cup of tea or something big like overcoming a challenge.

When I am feeling low, or have not been talking to myself the way I would a friend, I pull one out, and it’s like a little reminder of how far I’ve come.

If a jar doesn’t feel like your thing, just jotting it down in a notebook works too.

Reflection: Recognising the Patterns

Breaking free from old patterns starts with understanding them. Journaling is a great way to spot what’s holding you back. Take a few minutes to write about a situation that felt tough recently—what were you thinking or feeling at the time?

You might notice a recurring thought, like, “I always mess things up.” That’s the pattern. Once you’ve recognised it, try reframing it. Instead of, “I always mess things up,” you might write, “I’m learning from my experiences, even when things don’t go perfectly.”

Journaling isn’t about being perfect on the page; it’s about giving yourself a space to explore, process, and start to shift the way you think. If you want to explore self-reflection and how it supports personal growth, you might find Achieving Your Goals: The Role of Reflection helpful.

Woman gazing into a mirror on sandy ground, representing self-reflection, mindset shifts, and personal transformation.

Alignment: Stepping Into Your Future Self

Visualisation is one of the most powerful ways to interrupt negative thought patterns and create something new. Close your eyes and imagine yourself at your most confident. Where are you? What can you hear or smell? Maybe it’s the scent of fresh coffee in your dream workspace, or the sounds of nature on a peaceful walk.

Now focus on how it feels to be that person—calm, confident, or energised. Let yourself sit with those feelings. This isn’t about wishful thinking; it’s about connecting with the version of you that already exists deep down. Techniques like Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) can support this process by helping to clear any subconscious blocks that might be holding you back.

The more you practise visualising with sensory details, the more real it starts to feel, and you will find that you start to make choices that align with that version of you.

Connecting your body and mind with Movement

When negative patterns weigh you down, even small movements can help shift your mindset. A short walk, a stretch, or even a couple of minutes dancing around the kitchen can shake off that stuck feeling.

Movement creates momentum—it reminds you of what your body can do and helps you break out of that mental fog.

You don’t need a strict routine or fancy gear—just find what feels good in the moment.

Embracing Small Habits

Big changes start with small, consistent actions. It’s not about overhauling your entire life in one go—it’s about finding one thing you can do differently today.

Maybe you decide to start your morning with a deep breath and a clear intention, like, “Today, I’ll focus on what I can control.” Or you add a few minutes of journaling to your evening routine.

These tiny shifts might not seem like much at first, but over time, they create ripples that can transform how you see yourself.

If you’re ready to shift those old patterns, remember GRACE:

  • Gratitude to notice what’s good.
  • Reflection to understand and reframe negative thoughts.
  • Alignment with your future self through visualisation.
  • Connection with your body and mind through movement.
  • Embracing small habits to create momentum.

Self-confidence isn’t something you wake up with one day—it’s something you build, step by step.

Each time you challenge a negative thought or take a small action, you’re proving to yourself that change is possible. You’ve got this.

Try My Free Meditations for Confidence and Calm!

If you’re ready to break free from old patterns and build lasting confidence, my free meditations might be helpful. They’re designed to help you shift your mindset and reconnect with your inner strength. You can download them here.

Woman sitting cross-legged, wearing headphones, listening to a meditation session.

Navigating Anxiety in Relationships

When Anxiety Makes You Overthink Everything in Your Relationship

For some, anxiety stems from past experiences. If you’ve been hurt before, your mind may be on high alert, looking for signs that it could happen again. For others, anxious thoughts may be tied to self-worth—wondering if you’re lovable, if you’re too much, or if your needs are valid.

It’s important to remind yourself that anxiety doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. But if it’s causing distress or making it hard to feel secure, there are ways to ease the constant overthinking.

Breaking the Cycle of Overthinking in Relationships

Notice the Thought Spiral

Anxiety often starts with one small worry and quickly snowballs. A short reply from your partner might trigger thoughts like, Are they annoyed with me? Did I do something wrong? What if they’re losing interest? Before you know it, you’re imagining a worst-case scenario that isn’t based on reality.

Recognising when this happens is the first step. Instead of following the spiral, pause and ask yourself: What do I actually know to be true right now? Separating facts from anxious assumptions can help ground you in the present.

Stop Seeking Reassurance on Repeat

It’s natural to want reassurance when you feel uncertain, but if you find yourself constantly asking for it—needing to hear Are we okay? multiple times a day—it may be a sign that anxiety is in control. The comfort you get from reassurance is usually short-lived, and before long, the doubts creep back in.

Try to soothe yourself instead. Remind yourself of the stability in your relationship, reflect on moments of connection, and practise self-validation rather than needing constant external confirmation.

Calm Your Nervous System First

Overthinking is a symptom of anxiety, not the cause. If your body is in a heightened state—tight chest, racing heart, uneasy stomach—your thoughts will follow suit. Before you try to untangle a worry, focus on calming your nervous system. My blog on grounding techniques provides more ways to calm your nervous system.

Some techniques I recommend include:

  • Square Breathing: Breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for another four, then exhale gently for four seconds before pausing again for four. Repeating this pattern a few times can help steady your breathing and signal to your nervous system that it’s safe to relax.
  • 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique: When anxiety pulls you into overthinking, try this to which will help bring you back to the present.ake a moment to notice your surroundings. Find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three sounds you can hear, two scents in the air, and one taste in your mouth. It’s a great way to break the cycle of anxious thoughts and reconnect with your surroundings.
  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense your muscles, starting in your feet, and then relax, moving through muscle groups up to your head to release physical tension.
Close-up of a couple holding hands outdoors, symbolising support and connection in relationships affected by anxiety.

Challenge the Anxious Narrative

Anxiety has a habit of convincing you that your worst fears are facts. But just because you think something, doesn’t mean it’s true. If you catch yourself assuming the worst—They’re being quiet, so they must be upset with me—challenge it.  My blog on overthinking provides more information on how to overcome it.

Ask yourself: Is there another explanation? Maybe they’ve had a long day. Maybe they’re preoccupied with their own thoughts. Not everything is about you, and that’s a good thing.

Build Your Own Sense of Security

If you rely on your partner to manage your anxiety, it can create pressure on the relationship. True security comes from within, not from another person constantly proving their love.

Spend time strengthening your own sense of self. Invest in friendships, hobbies, and routines that make you feel good. The more fulfilled and grounded you feel within yourself, the less you’ll rely on external validation to feel okay.

When to Seek Support

If relationship anxiety is affecting your well-being or making it hard to enjoy your connection, professional support can help.

Therapy can offer tools to break the cycle of anxious thoughts and build a healthier mindset, so you feel more secure in yourself and your relationships.  If you check my home page, you can read about different approaches to therapy that help overcome anxiety.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. If anxiety is affecting your relationship and you’d like support, I’m here to help.

Overcoming Perfectionism – Letting Go and Living Fully

Overcoming Perfectionism – Letting Go and Living Fully

Growing Up with the Pressure to Be Perfect

Some people might wonder—why is overcoming perfectionism important? Isn’t it a good thing to strive for the best?

For those of us in Gen X—and even some older Millennials—we grew up in a world that told us being perfect was the ultimate goal. The perfect score, the flawless A-star report card, excelling at everything we tried—these were the measures of success.

The Exhausting Ideal of ‘Having It All’

And it wasn’t just about achievements. As women, we were told we could have it all—the career, the looks, the partner, the money, the holidays, the beautiful children, and the picture-perfect home.

Even writing it all down feels exhausting, let alone trying to juggle everything and live up to some imagined ideal—no doubt shaped by watching TV shows where someone managed to do it all and make it look effortless.

Why Overcoming Perfectionism Matters

And that’s exactly why we need to break free from the perfectionist cycle. We are exhausted!  Luckily, things are starting to change. Schools and workplaces have begun to realise that putting this kind of pressure on young people isn’t helpful, and they’ve adapted the way they teach, grade, and reward success.

But for those of us who grew up in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, that pressure runs deep. The belief that our worth is tied to our achievements is hard to shake, and we continue striving, pushing, and measuring ourselves against an impossible standard.

What Is Perfectionism, Really?

Perfectionism is often defined as the relentless pursuit of flawlessness, accompanied by excessively high standards and an overly critical self-evaluation. But here’s the truth—perfection, by its very definition, is practically impossible to achieve.

And yet, we chase it. We believe that if we can just do everything right, life will fall into place. But perfectionism doesn’t lead to happiness; it leads to stress, anxiety, and feeling like we’re never quite enough.

It can show up in so many ways—procrastinating because you’re afraid of doing something wrong, avoiding opportunities because you’re scared of failure, or constantly feeling like your efforts aren’t good enough, no matter how much you achieve.  So, how do we begin to break free from perfectionism and embrace a life that feels more balanced and fulfilling?

Dark-haired woman making a stop sign gesture, symbolising the importance of pausing and breaking free from perfectionism.

The PAUSE Method: 5 Steps to Letting Go of Perfectionism

When I talk about overcoming perfectionism, I don’t mean giving up on your goals—goals are crucial—nor should you lower your standards. What I do mean is that we need to create a more balanced and realistic approach to life—one that allows space for mistakes, growth, and self-compassion.

That’s where PAUSE comes in—a simple way to remind yourself to take a step back and approach life with more kindness and flexibility. Setting goals that are adaptable and achievable can help you make progress without feeling like every misstep is a failure. If you’re looking for a better way to set goals that support your success, check out my blog on Ditching Resolutions and Setting Goals for Lasting Success.

P – ‘Permit’ Yourself to Be Imperfect

Perfectionism thrives on the idea that mistakes equal failure. But mistakes are how we grow and learn. Give yourself permission to be imperfect, to try, and to not get everything right the first time.

When you find the inner critic (the voice in your head) start to berate you, instead of listening reframe your thoughts.

Swap phrases like “I should have done better” with “I did my best with what I knew at the time.” By letting go of the idea that everything has to be perfect, you open yourself up to new opportunities and experiences.

A – ‘Accept’ Progress Over Perfection

One of the biggest struggles with perfectionism is feeling like if it’s not perfect, it’s not worth doing. But progress is always better than perfection. Taking small, imperfect steps is far better than staying stuck in fear of not getting it “just right.”

Set small, achievable goals and celebrate your wins—no matter how small they seem. Remind yourself that done is better than perfect, and every step forward is a step in the right direction.

U – ‘Understand’ Your Triggers

Perfectionism is often driven by experiences and expectations—whether from childhood, work environments, or social media comparisons. Understand what those triggers are and reflect. Is it pressure from others? Fear of judgment? A desire for control?

Recognising these triggers can help you take a step back and challenge them, rather than letting them dictate your actions.

S – ‘Show’ Yourself Kindness

We can be so hard on ourselves—constantly pushing, criticising, and comparing. But treating yourself with kindness is one of the most powerful ways to break the perfectionism cycle.

Start by noticing how you talk to yourself. If your inner critic is harsh, ask yourself: “What would I think of a friend who said this to me? And would I say this to a friend?”

If the answer is no, it’s time to change the script. Practising self-compassion means allowing yourself to struggle, to take breaks, and to acknowledge that you’re doing your best

E – ‘Embrace’ Flexibility

Perfectionism is rigid and unforgiving, but life isn’t meant to be lived that way. Learning to embrace flexibility allows you to adapt when things don’t go according to plan—and still feel good about it.

Instead of focusing on strict goals or expectations, try being open to different outcomes. Flexibility gives you the freedom to enjoy the journey rather than feeling tied to a single destination.

How RTT Can Help Break the Cycle

For many of us, perfectionist tendencies run deep—they’re often tied to beliefs we’ve carried since childhood. Breaking free from perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards but about developing a healthier, more balanced mindset. With the right support, you can shift from constant self-criticism to self-compassion and confidence.

If perfectionism is holding you back, I offer personalised one-to-one support to help you overcome limiting patterns and create lasting change. You can learn more about how I work here.

Moving Forward with PAUSE

Breaking free from perfectionism isn’t about giving up—it’s about living in a way that feels more aligned with who you are, not who you think you should be.

By giving yourself permission to be imperfect, accepting progress, understanding your triggers, showing kindness, and embracing flexibility, you can create a healthier, more fulfilling way of living.

Ready to Stop Vaping? Here’s How to Break Free for Good

Ready to Stop Vaping? Here’s How to Break Free for Good

For many women, vaping starts as a way to manage stress, transition from smoking, or simply get through a busy day. It can feel like a harmless habit—one that slots easily into your routine. But over time, what started as an occasional puff can become something harder to let go of.

If you’ve been thinking about quitting but keep putting it off, you’re not alone. Breaking free from nicotine isn’t just about willpower—it’s about understanding the triggers, routines, and beliefs that keep you reaching for your vape. Taking a step back and reflecting on your habits can be a powerful tool in making lasting changes. If you’re ready to take control and set meaningful goals, you might find this helpful: Achieving Your Goals: The Role of Reflection.

Why is Vaping So Hard to Quit?

One of the biggest reasons vaping is so difficult to stop is how easily it fits into daily life. Unlike cigarettes, which come with social and physical barriers, vaping is discreet. You can do it indoors, at work, or on the go without anyone noticing.

Another challenge is nicotine dependence. Whether you switched from smoking or started vaping on its own, nicotine is addictive. The cravings can feel relentless, and even when you want to stop, your brain may tell you otherwise.

There’s also a lot of uncertainty around vaping’s long-term effects. We know the dangers of smoking, but with vaping, research is still emerging. This lack of clarity can make quitting feel less urgent. But just because something isn’t proven to be as harmful as smoking doesn’t mean it’s harmless.

Inspirational quote reading ‘Positive energy knows no boundaries’ in a calming design, reinforcing motivation and change.

The Real Cost of Vaping

When people think about quitting, they often focus on nicotine cravings. But stepping away from vaping is about more than just breaking a physical habit—it’s about taking back control.

  • Your Health – While marketed as a safer option than cigarettes, vaping still affects your lungs, heart, and overall well-being. Many people report shortness of breath, an irritated throat, or increased anxiety.
  • Your Money – Small purchases add up fast. The cost of refills, pods, and devices can be surprising when you add it all up over a year.
  • Your Time & Freedom – How often do you find yourself automatically reaching for your vape without even thinking? Quitting means no more planning your day around cravings.

Breaking the Cycle – What Actually Works?

Quitting vaping isn’t just about avoiding your device—it’s about rewiring the habit. Many people try to quit using sheer willpower, but long-term success often requires a mix of habit change, mindset shifts, and practical tools.

Some of the most effective methods include:

  • Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) – Patches, gum, or lozenges can help ease cravings while you adjust to life without vaping.
  • Behavioural Changes – Identifying when and why you vape can help you replace it with healthier alternatives.
  • Mindset Work – Addressing subconscious beliefs and stress triggers can make quitting feel easier and more natural. Methods like hypnotherapy and cognitive behavioural approaches can help break the mental and emotional connection to vaping.

Your Next Step to Stop Vaping for Good

If you’re ready to quit, the first step is understanding your personal triggers and finding a strategy that works for you. Whether you choose NRT, habit coaching, or therapeutic approaches like hypnosis, the key is having the right support to stay on track.

You don’t have to go it alone. I offer one-to-one sessions designed to help you break free from vaping in a way that fits your lifestyle. If you’re looking for personalised support, you can explore how I work here.

The first step is yours—are you ready to take it?

8 Self-Esteem Tips for University Students with ADHD

8 Self-Esteem Tips for University Students with ADHD

Self-esteem is a person’s overall sense of value and self-worth, profoundly influencing every aspect of life. For university students with ADHD, improving self-esteem is particularly important. High self-esteem can enhance your academic success and social interactions, optimising your university experience.

Understanding Self-Esteem

High self-esteem impacts academic success, relationships, career choices, personal growth, and happiness. For students with ADHD, developing self-confidence strategies is essential to increasing self-esteem.

If you have high self-esteem, you will recognise your strengths, be comfortable with your flaws, and have the resilience to manage setbacks or criticisms.

Low self-esteem may manifest as a negative view of yourself, uncertainty about your opinions and abilities, challenges in decision-making, and poor response to criticism.

Even if you haven’t been formally diagnosed with ADHD, you may recognise many of its traits in yourself. Not all adults choose to pursue an official ADHD diagnosis, as it’s a personal decision based on individual circumstances and preferences. As a Counsellor and ADHD Coach, I focus on tackling the challenges posed by these traits, aiming to enhance your quality of life and make daily living more manageable.

If you are a university student with ADHD, this blog will help you optimise your self-esteem, enabling you to succeed academically and socially throughout your university years.

Smiling university student with ADHD feeling confident and happy while holding study books, representing self-esteem tips for students with ADHD

Case Study: Work on Self-Esteem with Megan

In a recent coaching session, I worked with Megan, a student who identified “adaptability” as one of her key strengths. Megan shared a story about planning a trip with a friend who cancelled at short notice. Despite feeling disappointed, Megan decided to continue the trip as a sole traveller, which was an amazingly empowering experience.

During coaching, we discussed how this situation highlighted her adaptability and showcased her strengths in decision-making, resilience, and independence—critical factors in increasing self-esteem and boosting confidence.

Recognising these strengths helped Megan, who was uncertain about her academic journey, gain clarity and increase her self-confidence. Consequently, she has made significant progress in her academic success.

This example illustrates how identifying and embracing your strengths can enhance self-esteem and equip you to overcome challenges effectively, contributing to tremendous academic success.

8 Academic Success Tips for Improve Self-Esteem

1. ADHD and Embracing Your Strengths

You can boost your self-esteem by embracing your unique strengths. You will have many strengths, but if you have low self-esteem, you may need to recognise them. Take a moment to appreciate and embrace your strengths, talents and capabilities.

It could be your creative thinking, ability to hyperfocus, lateral solid thinking skills, engaging communication, or natural spontaneity. Embracing these qualities can elevate your self-esteem and empower you to approach life confidently.

To identify your strengths, try jotting them down on paper or use downloadable worksheets. Reflect on moments where you’ve actively used these strengths; visualising specific events can help you recall them in detail.

As you do this, you may uncover additional strengths featured during those times. If you consider thoughtfulness a strength, revisit a memory where you demonstrated thoughtfulness. Reflect on what other strengths you displayed at that moment.

2. Set Goals as a Student with ADHD

Setting goals can give you, as a student with ADHD, a clear sense of direction, making it much easier to navigate your academic and personal journey effectively. Think of goals as your signposts. They aren’t rigid; they can adapt and change as new opportunities come your way. They serve as a solid starting point but leave room for exploring new and exciting pathways.

Avoid placing limitations on your abilities. Whether you want to achieve something academically or personally, please write it down or visualise yourself succeeding. Divide big goals into smaller, achievable tasks to sustain momentum and monitor progress.

Celebrate each task completed with self-praise and acknowledge the sense of empowerment it brings. Use these achievements as the motivation to continue towards your larger goals.

Consider obstacles as part of the process and approach them with self-compassion rather than viewing them as setbacks and failures. Reframe challenges as opportunities for personal growth, reinforcing your resilience and determination.

3. Finding Your Voice: Advocate for Yourself

ADHD can affect your communication skills, especially if you have articulation disorders that affect speech and language. You might find it challenging to organise your thoughts clearly or need help with pronunciation, making it difficult to express yourself effectively.

Sometimes, you might interrupt others or speak impulsively, leading to misunderstandings and frustrating communication.

These challenges can affect your confidence in communicating with others. However, understanding these difficulties and getting the proper support, such as speech therapy or counselling, can help you improve your self-esteem and communication skills.

Remember, your voice matters; your unique perspective and experiences value every conversation and situation. Advocating for yourself is a powerful way to increase self-esteem and boost confidence.

You assert your self-worth by standing up for your needs, preferences, and boundaries. Consistently doing this reinforces the belief that you are capable, deserving, and worthy of respect, ultimately improving your self-esteem.

  • Identify your Communication Barriers:  Recognising these barriers can help you develop strategies to overcome them and enhance your communication skills.
  • Identify your needs:  Understand what accommodations you require, such as a quieter workspace, extended deadlines, or assistive technology.  Knowing your needs well helps you to prepare ahead of time.
  • Schedule a Meeting:  Arrange a meeting with the relevant person (lecturer, course supervisor or student support team)
  • Communicate Clearly: Explain your ADHD and how the challenges can impact your academic success. Use “I” statements to express your needs. For example: “I work best in a quiet environment,” “I need extra time to process information”. Be specific; do your research so you know what help is available.
  • Offer Solutions and Compromise:  Be prepared to suggest solutions and be open to compromise.
  • Build Confidence:  Practice the conversation beforehand to build confidence. You can do this by using a journal, practising with a friend, or rehearsing the conversation using a voice recording app.

4. Building Resilience with ADHD

Resilience refers to your capacity to work through difficulties, adapt to challenging situations, and become stronger through adversity.

As a student with ADHD, building resilience is especially important. It helps you manage challenges like attention difficulties, staying organised, and controlling impulses.

Resilience allows one to see challenges as opportunities for growth and stay motivated even when things get tough. It also helps one handle stress better, keeps one’s mindset positive, and improves problem-solving skills.

Resilience encourages taking care of yourself and prevents you from feeling isolated.

To enhance resilience, aim to maintain a positive outlook, seek solutions to challenges, learn from your experiences, and cultivate a network of supportive friends, family, and mentors. Strengthening these abilities will aid in your academic and personal success.

5.  Emotional Regulation and ADHD

Emotional regulation can significantly help students with ADHD build self-esteem. Managing emotions effectively allows you to respond to challenges calmly and thoughtfully, reducing impulsive reactions that might lead to regret or negative self-talk.

You can better control emotional responses and confidently navigate social interactions by developing skills like mindfulness, diaphragmatic breathing, grounding techniques, and cognitive reframing.

When you handle stressful situations well, you reinforce a positive self-image and demonstrate to yourself that you are capable and resilient.

This self-assurance enhances self-esteem, making facing new challenges and pursuing personal goals easier. Focusing on emotional regulation creates a stable foundation for improved self-worth and overall well-being.

6. Adopt A Healthy Lifestyle

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is vital for enhancing self-esteem. Good nutrition, regular exercise, and mindfulness practices like meditation can significantly impact your mental and physical well-being.

Planning your days helps you maintain a regular routine. Check out my blog  daily planning tips to assist students with ADHD.

7. Social Engagement

Social interactions are significant for boosting your self-esteem, especially if you have ADHD. Positive interactions validate you, give you feedback, and make you feel like you belong. They counteract any feelings of isolation or doubt you might have.

When you engage with supportive friends and family members, you receive encouragement that strengthens your confidence and self-worth.

By nurturing meaningful relationships and building a support network, you can experience higher self-esteem and overall well-being as a student with ADHD, boosting your overall well-being and academic success.

8. Meet your Role Models

Consider who you admire most, whether a family member, a peer, or someone in the public eye. Their accomplishments and personal journeys can be a great source of inspiration!

Happy university graduate with ADHD holding her certificate after academic success

To Conclude

As a Counsellor and ADHD Coach, I’m here to support you in boosting your self-esteem to improve your academic success and overall university experience. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need additional guidance.

8 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

8 Tips to Stop Being A People-Pleaser

Do you find yourself agreeing with others, even when it goes against your own values or feelings? Do you want to say no or share your opinion, but somehow, you never do? If this sounds familiar, you may have people-pleasing tendencies or identify as a chronic people-pleaser.

The key difference is frequency and impact. If you occasionally put others first, your people-pleasing may be situational. But if you consistently prioritise others at the expense of your own well-being, people-pleasing may have become a deeply ingrained habit.

People-pleasing is often linked to the ‘fawn’ response, a term introduced by Pete Walker. This response describes people-pleasing as a survival mechanism, where individuals prioritise others’ needs to maintain safety and avoid conflict. While it can create a sense of security, it often leads to self-neglect and emotional exhaustion.

Many people-pleasers develop this habit due to a strong need for acceptance, approval, or harmony. Keeping others happy may feel comforting or necessary, but over time, it can cause you to lose sight of your authentic self. The fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment can make it difficult to set boundaries, reinforcing the cycle of self-sacrifice.

The good news? You can break free. Letting go of people-pleasing is empowering, and learning to prioritise your needs doesn’t mean letting others down. Here are eight practical strategies to help you overcome people-pleasing so you can live more authentically and confidently.

1. Stop People-Pleasing by Setting Strong and Healthy Boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries goes beyond simply saying no—it’s about building healthier relationships and prioritising your well-being. Being able to confidently and assertively say “no” is key to this process. By setting personal boundaries, you acknowledge that your needs are just as important as the needs of others.   While setting boundaries may take time, it is vital to personal growth and self-empowerment.

“Spread your wings and find freedom in being true to yourself.”

A free bird flying in a bright blue sky with white clouds, symbolizing freedom and breaking free from people-pleasing.

2. How to Use Assertive Communication to Set Boundaries and Gain Confidence

Develop assertiveness skills to express your opinions, needs, and preferences confidently and respectfully. Communicate your goals and desires to others. You can address any lingering resentment or conflicts through open and honest conversations, ultimately strengthening your relationships. Becoming more assertive will benefit both your personal and professional life. A great way to start communicating assertively is by practising saying no in low-pressure situations to build confidence and ease in setting clear boundaries.

3. Boosting Self-Esteem: Overcoming the Need for Approval

Developing self-esteem and self-worth independent of others’ approval is crucial for overcoming people-pleasing. By recognising your priorities and strengths, you can empower yourself to focus on your needs and well-being. Embracing your unique values helps you make choices that align with your true self rather than counting on receiving external validation.  Remember to put importance on taking care of your own needs, as you are the best person to take control of your life.

4. Self-Compassion Over People-Pleasing: How to Be Kinder to Yourself

Develop the ability to prioritise yourself by placing your needs and well-being above the urge to focus on other people’s needs. Incorporate self-care into your routine by scheduling enjoyable and relaxing activities. Regularly remind yourself of your worthiness of love and respect; positive affirmations can be constructive when reinforcing this mindset.

5. Self-Reflection for People-Pleasers: Understanding Your Patterns

Reflect on what motivates your drive to attempt to improve the lives of others around you. The first step in implementing change is recognising and managing the factors that prevent you from progressing. Recognise triggers such as situations, emotions, or people that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies. Awareness can help you respond differently.  Journalling for a couple of minutes each day can be a great way to self-reflect.

6. How to Challenge Negative Thoughts and Build Self-Confidence

Challenging thoughts and beliefs that fuel people-pleasing behaviours, such as fear of rejection or perfectionism, are essential. Challenging your thoughts can change your mindset, reduce the urge to seek approval from others, and avoid conflict.

7. Seek Support

Talk to trusted friends or family members, or seek professional support who can encourage, guide, and provide feedback as you work on changing your behaviour. When you introduce boundaries and assertive communication into your life, others close to you may observe the changes.

The best way to manage this is different for everyone. You may want to share with those closest to you that you are making positive changes, or you can work on this alone without the approval of others. Either way is okay, as the most important thing is that you are making changes and getting the support and input that is helpful for you.  I have information on my website which highlights different types of professional support that can help.

8. Increase Self-Awareness with Mindfulness and Journaling

Regular mindfulness practice is a powerful tool for understanding and processing emotions. It helps you recognise, validate, and express your feelings without self-doubt or fear of judgment—a crucial step toward emotional well-being and self-acceptance.

Journaling is another effective way to increase self-awareness, providing a space to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. Writing things down can help you identify patterns in people-pleasing tendencies and explore the underlying fears driving them. By incorporating mindfulness and journaling into your routine, you can reduce the need for external validation, build confidence in your own decisions, and strengthen your relationships.

For more insight into how journaling can support emotional growth, check out my blog on journalling.

zen stones with sunset calm late representing prioritising yourself rather than people-pleasing

The Connection Between People-Pleasing and Vulnerability

People-pleasers often go out of their way to appease others as a way to shield themselves from discomfort or emotional vulnerability. However, true connection comes from authenticity, not avoidance.

Researcher Brené Brown highlights that embracing vulnerability as a strength allows you to engage more openly in relationships, leading to deeper emotional connections and greater self-acceptance. By recognising that vulnerability is not a weakness, but rather a foundation for genuine interactions, you can start breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing.

Why do People Become People-Pleasers?

People-pleasers often share common traits and psychological tendencies that shape their behaviour. Here are some of the key reasons why individuals develop people-pleasing habits:

  • High Agreeableness – If you are naturally cooperative and compassionate, you may prioritise maintaining harmony in relationships, often putting others’ needs ahead of your own.
  • Low Self-Esteem – Seeking external validation can become a way to feel valued, accepted, and worthy of love.
  • Fear of Rejection or Abandonment – A deep-rooted fear of disapproval or being left out can drive people-pleasing behaviours.
  • Perfectionism – You may strive to meet unrealistic standards, either those set by others or ones you impose on yourself.
  • Childhood Conditioning – Growing up in an environment where pleasing caregivers was essential for receiving love and attention can lead to a pattern of prioritising others over yourself.
  • Empathy and Sensitivity – Highly empathetic individuals often absorb others’ emotions, making them more likely to put others first, even at their own expense.
  • Codependency – In codependent relationships, your sense of identity and self-worth may come from caring for and pleasing others.
  • Societal Expectations – Cultural norms often reinforce that being passive and accommodating is a sign of politeness and consideration, making it difficult to assert boundaries.
  • Evolutionary Factors – Early human communities relied on social approval for survival, which may have shaped the tendency to seek acceptance and avoid conflict.
  • Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – Often linked to ADHD, RSD involves heightened sensitivity to criticism or rejection, which can lead to overextending yourself to gain approval. Many people with ADHD find that RSD makes it difficult to set boundaries, say no, or handle feedback without feeling deeply impacted. If you’d like to explore more about ADHD and how coaching can support emotional regulation and confidence, check out my ADHD Coaching page.

The Consequences of People-Pleasing

While people-pleasing can initially create positive interactions, it often leads to adverse outcomes, such as suppressed emotions, reduced self-worth, feelings of shame, toxic relationships, and stress and burnout. Recognising these consequences is crucial in understanding the need to break the people-pleasing pattern.

Suppressed Emotions: Prioritising others’ needs can lead to suppressing your emotions to avoid disappointing or upsetting others. Suppressing your feelings can lead to anxiety, sadness and depression, as well as physical problems such as headaches or digestive issues.

Reduced Self-Worth: Over time, you can lose touch with who you are when you listen to other people’s opinions. Decision-making may be increasingly tricky in the long run as you don’t trust your decisions.

Feelings of Guilt and Shame: Prioritising others can lead to behaviours that contradict your beliefs and values, causing feelings of shame. If you would like to know more about shame you might be interested in my blog Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth.

Toxic Relationships: You might find yourself in relationships where others exploit your kinhttps://clearhaventherapy.com/understanding-and-managing-shame-for-personal-growth/dness or passiveness. This can, in some cases, lead to being the victim of gaslighting or abuse.

Stress and Burnout: Chronic prioritisation of others’ needs can contribute to anxiety and burnout, affecting your mental and physical health.  Often, people-pleasers mask, which can be exhausting.

Are You A People-Pleaser?  Recognising the Signs?

Recognising people-pleasing tendencies is a crucial step toward self-awareness and personal growth. Identifying people-pleasing tendencies is an essential step toward self-awareness. Look out for these patterns:

  • Overextending Yourself: Going to great lengths to meet others’ needs, even to your detriment.
  • Difficulty Saying No: You feel compelled to go above and beyond for others, even when they inconvenience you.
  • Seeking Approval: Craving validation and acceptance from others to feel valued.
  • Avoiding Conflict: Going out of your way to have a quiet life and keep others happy at the cost of your preferences.

Action Plan: Examples of Setting Boundaries and Being Assertive

Applying boundaries and assertiveness can vary across different contexts:

  • Personal Relationships: Communicate your need for personal space or discuss sensitive topics.
  • Work Environments: Assert your limits on workload or address inappropriate behaviour from colleagues.
  • Social Settings: Politely decline invitations or express your preferences without guilt.

 To Conclude

Breaking free from people-pleasing requires courage and self-compassion. It’s about recognising your needs and boundaries while nurturing genuine connections with others. Remember, seeking support and practising self-awareness are essential to this personal growth and empowerment journey. If you have been a people-pleaser for a long time, it can take time to change these habits, and it can mean that you are out of your comfort zone.

However, keep going, always reminding yourself that you are the most important person in your life. Giving up trying to please others is not the same as being selfish; instead, it means putting your health and happiness first. You may be surprised to discover that when you do put your needs first and communicate your preferences to others, you can develop more meaningful conditions.

If you want to stop people-pleasing but need some support, please book a discovery call.

Further Reading:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.

Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth

Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth

Shame is a complex emotion that can negatively impact your quality of life if not managed effectively. Recognising and understanding shame is the first step toward freeing yourself from the grip of this often painful emotion. When shame takes hold, individuals often feel inadequate or fundamentally flawed. These feelings of shame can stem from various life experiences, including negative beliefs or unrealistic social norms.

For some, chronic shame may be rooted in a deep sense of embarrassment, leading to low self-esteem and a negative self-perception. However, overcoming this powerful emotion through self-compassion and intentional personal growth is possible.

Shame Vs. Guild – The Key Differences

Recognising the distinction between guilt and shame is crucial for managing emotional responses effectively:

  • Feelings of shame focus on the self, often leading to low self-esteem and negative thoughts. It’s the belief that “I am bad.”
  • Feelings of guilt, however, focus on actions, leading to the thought, “I did something bad.”

For example, if a student cheats on a test, they may feel guilty by thinking, “I made a poor choice.” On the other hand, shame would cause them to believe, “I am a bad person.” Similarly, if someone is late for a meeting, they may feel embarrassed, but it could develop into shame if they start to believe they are inherently unreliable.

illustration of woman with fingers pointing towards her representing feeling shameful

Shame Vs. Embarrassment

While related, shame and embarrassment are distinct emotions. Embarrassment often involves temporary discomfort about a specific situation without long-term effects on one’s self-worth. For instance, spilling a drink at a party might cause embarrassment. However, if it leads to thoughts like “I am clumsy” or “I’m not good enough,” it may trigger feelings of shame.

Situations like being criticised at work, experiencing a breakup, or not meeting societal beauty standards can also lead to negative self-perception and shame. Understanding these differences can help you to navigate your emotional experiences and prevent self-destructive behaviours.

The Evolutionary Roots of Shame

According to research by Sznycer et al. (2016), shame evolved as a defence mechanism to protect individuals from social rejection. In ancient times, being valued by the community was crucial for survival. As a powerful emotion, shame encourages individuals to conform to social norms and maintain positive relationships.

Today, while the environment has changed, the emotional response remains. However, modern pressures—such as social media comparisons—can intensify feelings of inadequacy. This negative self-talk can make it more challenging to navigate negative thoughts and emotions healthily.

When Is Shame Not Helpful?

Shame becomes toxic when it leads to excessive self-criticism, causing toxic shame. This often involves self-destructive behaviours and can result from early life experiences such as trauma, abuse, or emotional neglect. Toxic shame leads to a belief that one is fundamentally flawed, unlovable, or incapable of being a better person.

Managing Toxic Shame

If your feelings of shame become overwhelming or difficult to manage, professional help may be necessary.  Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help challenge negative beliefs and reframe negative self-talk. If self-help techniques or confiding in a trusted friend don’t alleviate the feelings, reaching out to a therapist or joining a safe space like a support group may provide relief.

How Shame Affects the Body and Mind

Shame triggers a series of physiological and psychological responses:

  • Emotional well-being: Feelings of shame can lead to chronic stress, which affects your emotional and mental health. You might experience a feeling of inadequacy, a desire to hide, or even inner critical thoughts that negatively impact your sense of self-worth.
  • Physical symptoms: Shame can activate the body’s stress response, causing physical health issues such as an increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, muscle tension, sweating, and digestive problems.
  • Mental health issues: Prolonged shame weakens the immune system, making individuals more susceptible to illness while also affecting mental health, concentration, and decision-making.

Six Effective Ways To Manage Shame

Overcoming shame involves implementing practical, healthy strategies:

  1. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Utilise CBT techniques to challenge negative self-perception. For example, replace “I’m a complete failure” with “I am on a journey of personal growth.”
  2. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with care and engage in activities that enhance your emotional well-being, like journaling or spending time in nature.
  3. Learn and Grow: Consider mistakes to be an opportunity for growth. View shame as a tool to realign your behaviours with your values, thus becoming a better person.
  4. Mindfulness and Breathing Techniques: Practice mindfulness and use grounding exercises or breathing techniques to manage your emotional responses. These methods help calm the central nervous system and bring balance.
  5. Positive Self-Talk: Focus on affirmations that build your positive self-image. Journalling is an effective way to track your achievements and strengths.
  6. Talk About It: Opening up about feelings of shame with a trusted friend, a support group, or a professional can reduce isolation and help you gain perspective. If you’re looking for one-to-one support, my counselling and coaching services offer a safe space to explore and reframe these feelings.

man with arms outstretched representing freedom from feelings of shame

To Conclude

Shame is challenging, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding its roots and practising effective ways to manage it, you can reclaim your sense of self-worth and cultivate a positive self-image. Embrace your personal development journey by building emotional well-being, practising self-compassion, and overcoming shame’s negative grip.

If you’re ready to address toxic shame and achieve personal growth, consider seeking professional support through therapy or coaching. Take the first step toward living with confidence and peace. Book a free discovery call today.

References:

Sznycer, D., Tooby, J., Cosmides, L., Porat, R., Shalvi, S., & Halperin, E. (2016). Shame closely tracks the threat of devaluation by others, even across cultures. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 113(10), 2625–2630. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1514699113

How Therapy Can Help You Manage ADHD & Find Clarity

Adult ADHD: How Therapy Can Help You Find Clarity

Living with ADHD can feel like constantly juggling too many things at once—thoughts racing, unfinished tasks, and a sense of chaos that never quite settles. The distractions, impulsivity, and struggles with organisation can be overwhelming, making even simple daily routines feel like a challenge. But ADHD isn’t just about difficulties—it’s a different way of thinking, and with the right support, it can be harnessed to work for you rather than against you.

As a counsellor and ADHD coach, I’ve worked with many adults navigating the ups and downs of ADHD. I understand how exhausting it can be when your mind feels like it never switches off. Therapy doesn’t aim to ‘fix’ you—because you’re not broken—but it does provide tools, understanding, and strategies that can transform the chaos into clarity, helping you feel more in control of your life.

How ADHD Therapy Can Support You

1. Understanding ADHD and Embracing Self-Acceptance

One of the most powerful aspects of therapy is gaining a deeper understanding of how ADHD affects you. ADHD isn’t just about being forgetful or distracted—it’s about how your brain processes information. Recognising that your brain works differently, not incorrectly, can be a huge relief.

Through therapy, you can start to make sense of your unique strengths and challenges. You’ll learn that ADHD isn’t a personal failure but simply a different way of thinking. This shift in perspective can help release frustration and self-blame, paving the way for greater self-compassion and confidence.

2. Creating Personalised ADHD Strategies

ADHD coaching and therapy aren’t one-size-fits-all. Personalised strategies make such a difference in what works for someone else might not work for you. In therapy, we work together to develop techniques that suit your specific needs, such as:

  • Organisation & Time Management: Structuring your day in a way that works for your brain, using visual reminders, timers, and systems that reduce overwhelm.
  • Improving Focus & Attention: Mindfulness and cognitive techniques to help reduce distractions and increase sustained attention.
  • Managing Stress & Overwhelm: Practical coping strategies, relaxation exercises, and grounding techniques to help you stay calm and focused.

Having the right strategies in place can transform how you approach daily life, making things feel more manageable and less like a constant uphill struggle.

3. Managing Emotional Ups and Downs

ADHD isn’t just about focus—it also affects emotions. Many adults with ADHD experience intense emotions that feel impossible to control. Small frustrations can feel like major setbacks and moments of joy can be overwhelming, too.

Therapy provides tools to manage emotional highs and lows, helping you develop self-awareness and emotional regulation. Techniques like cognitive restructuring can help shift negative thought patterns, while mindfulness exercises can keep you grounded when emotions start to take over. Learning to manage your emotions can lead to stronger relationships, better decision-making, and an overall sense of calm.

Woman with a cloud above her head, representing the mental chaos of ADHD. Therapy and ADHD coaching can help manage these overwhelming thoughts.

4. Boosting Self-Esteem & Confidence

If you’ve been told throughout your life that you’re ‘too disorganised’ or ‘not trying hard enough,’ it’s no surprise if your confidence has taken a hit. Many adults with ADHD struggle with self-doubt, feeling like they’re always one step behind.

Therapy can help rebuild your self-esteem by focusing on your strengths rather than your challenges. You’ll start recognising the achievements you’ve overlooked, no matter how small. By setting achievable goals and celebrating progress, therapy helps you see that you’re capable of success, just like anyone else.

Breaking free from negative patterns plays a key role in building confidence. If self-doubt and old thought patterns are holding you back, you might find this blog on Building Self-Confidence and Breaking Negative Patterns helpful. It explores shifting your mindset and developing a stronger sense of self-worth.

5. Strengthening Relationships

ADHD can sometimes impact relationships, whether it’s forgetting important dates, struggling with communication, or feeling misunderstood. Therapy can help you navigate these challenges by improving communication skills and providing strategies to build stronger, healthier connections with loved ones, friends, and colleagues.

Understanding how ADHD affects your interactions can help you explain your needs more effectively and develop strategies for better communication. Stronger relationships create a stable support system, which is invaluable when managing ADHD.

6. Setting and Achieving Goals

Goal-setting can be tricky when you have ADHD. Big goals feel overwhelming, and smaller tasks often get lost in the chaos. Therapy helps break down your goals into manageable steps, create realistic action plans, and track progress without the pressure of perfection.

Whether you want to improve your work performance, stay on top of daily tasks, or focus on personal development, therapy provides the structure and accountability to keep you moving forward.

7. Medication & Therapy: A Holistic Approach

For some adults with ADHD, medication can be helpful, but it’s not the only approach. Therapy provides practical skills and emotional support, helping you develop strategies tailored to your needs—whether or not you choose to use medication.

By focusing on self-awareness, coping techniques, and structured support, therapy empowers you to manage ADHD in a way that works for you.

Finding Clarity & Confidence with ADHD Therapy

ADHD doesn’t have to mean chaos. With the right support, strategies, and understanding, you can feel more in control of your life. Therapy provides the tools to help you navigate ADHD with confidence, whether that’s through developing better-coping strategies, improving emotional regulation, or simply learning to accept yourself fully.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure where to start, therapy could be the first step toward clarity. If you’d like to explore ADHD coaching or counselling, I’d love to help. Take a look at my ADHD support services, and let’s start your journey toward a more balanced, confident life.

Top 5 Tips for Setting Goals and Achieving Them

Top 5 Tips for Setting Goals and Achieving Them

Research shows that setting clear, structured goals significantly increases the likelihood of achieving them. Bailey (2019) explores this in Goal Setting and Action Planning for Health Behavior Change, emphasising the importance of a step-by-step approach—especially when working towards health-related goals. According to Bailey, action planning provides a clear path to success, ensuring efforts are focused and effective.

But goal setting isn’t just about achievement; it’s about taking control of your life and making meaningful progress. It’s easy to get distracted by daily demands, but setting personal goals—not just academic or career-focused ones—can be just as valuable. Achieving a goal doesn’t just move you forward; it boosts confidence, enhances self-esteem, and supports mental well-being.

No matter your age, it’s never too late (or too early) to start goal setting. Research by the National Foundation for Educational Research highlights that goal-setting frameworks, such as SMART goals, improve motivation and academic performance (Lord, Atkinson, & Mitchell, 2008). If you’re in college or university, now is the perfect time to develop this powerful habit. If you’re interested in learning more about daily planning tips, check out my blog.

1. Setting the Foundation: Writing and Defining Your Goals

Writing down your long-term goals is the first step towards turning aspirations into reality. Reflect on what is truly important to you and where you envisage yourself in the future. It could be in one month or year—whatever works for you. Gaining a clear vision of your goal is an important part of the goal-setting process.

If you only have vague goals, a good strategy is to get creative, design a vision board, and find photos and quotes that grab your attention.  Visualising a specific goal can bring it to life and give you a clear vision of where you want to be in the future. Also, getting creative is fun and has many mental health benefits.

Remember, a goal doesn’t have to be something extreme, such as running a marathon or skydiving (although it can be if that’s what you want!). Your personal goals can be anything that’s important to you, whether health or professional, or you want to focus on personal development goals.

Setting one goal can positively impact other areas of your life.  For instance, a personal development goal could be to boost your confidence and self-esteem. Increasing your confidence and self-esteem can open doors to new experiences, and you will learn to trust your decisions more. Personal development goals can be the best way to set the foundations for practical goal setting.  As you set new goals, discover how the role of reflection can support your progress in my blog.

2. Milestone Setting: Tracking Achievements

Once you have your big goal, the next step is to break it down into smaller goals and then break these smaller goals down into more manageable tasks.  A big goal can feel overwhelming if you imagine yourself standing at the bottom of a vast mountain; the top can seem so far off, and reaching the top can feel unachievable. However, climbing that mountain can feel doable when you break it down into manageable tasks.

A good idea is to set aside time to note down everything you need to do to complete a task. Putting pen to paper can give you a clearer understanding of what you must do to achieve that task and increase your chances of success.  It can often be the smaller tasks that are the most important steps, so getting these onto paper can be highly beneficial.

Keeping a to-do list can be an excellent way to keep you on track; you can then update it daily, marking off your achievements.  Your achievements are your driver to move forward, so it’s so important to celebrate them. When completing tasks, it can be helpful to identify any barriers you may come across and then do some problem-solving to decide how to overcome them. Balancing this with self-care is essential, as working towards your goals can be hard work. Reminding yourself of ‘why’ you want to reach your goal is another factor that will help drive you towards the finishing line.

man jumping through gap in cliffs signifying reaching your goals

3. Make Goal-Setting Achievable

I advocate for thinking big and not letting anything stand in your way, but it is also essential to set realistic goals. It’s about getting the balance right, as there are some things you need to consider when setting goals. For example, suppose the big goal is to climb Kilimanjaro. In that case, there is a lot to consider, such as physical fitness, mental well-being, the possibility of altitude sickness, booking vaccines, and available finances.

The next step towards positive goal setting is devising an action plan. To do this, write down the different factors you need to consider. Then, note the actionable steps it will take to complete each factor. You could work on them individually, or you might work on some simultaneously.

Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone when setting goals is positive, as ambitious goals are great for personal growth. However, you also want to avoid getting overwhelmed. So, think big, but also consider your capabilities and the available resources before setting goals, tasks, and time scales.

4. Set Timeframes: Assign Deadlines to Create a Sense of Urgency

Time scales and deadlines are essential to goal setting as they keep you on track, make you accountable, and can prevent procrastination and perfectionism.  You can gauge your progress by setting target dates for each task, including the small goals. There can be room for movement with this; it can be challenging to know how long a particular task will take, as it can depend on your current situation, such as external factors.

However, having an estimated timescale can keep you motivated as you know that each minute you work on the task brings you closer to reaching the end goal. For greater goal-setting success, you must clearly understand what you must do to achieve the big goal. You can then break this down into daily tasks.

man with arms outstretched enjoying freedom representing reaching goals

5. Seek Accountability and Be Resourceful

Keeping yourself accountable is another crucial part of goal setting. It can be easy to get off track, as other exciting things might appear while you work on a task. If this happens, note down whatever distracted you and spend time on it when you have a planned timeout. Some great online accountability trackers can help with motivation and organisation and keep you accountable.

Sharing your goal with a family member or trusted friend can help keep you accountable. However, if you prefer not to share your goal-setting journey with others, try writing about it in your journal or checking if there are local groups or an online community of people with similar goals. Professional help is also available if you would like a counsellor or coach to help you on your goal-setting journey. You can check out my services page for more information.

Checking your progress regularly is a great way to ensure you’re on the right track. It’s important to remember to celebrate your achievements, even if you feel they’re small steps. After all, small steps can lead to big changes. Having a list of tasks can feel daunting, so take time to look back at what you have achieved with pride.

SMART Goals

SMART goals are a structured approach to goal setting often used by professional coaches. It is also a technique you can implement if you are self-coaching.  The SMART Goal acronym is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound.  Let’s break down SMART Goals and what they mean.

  • Specific: Set the goal that you want to accomplish
  • Measurable: Plan how you are going to track your success
  • Achievable: Check your goal is realistic
  • Relevant: Ensure there are beneficial outcomes
  • Time-bound: Create a deadline and prioritise tasks

Following the SMART goal criteria will ensure you clearly understand your goals and confirm they are within reach.

note book with handwritten smart goals open on a table with glasses and sticky notes.

Empowering Yourself Through Self-Coaching

If you are self-coaching rather than working with a professional coach, a great tip is to follow the SMART goals model to keep on track. Reaching your goals can be a transformative journey that can foster growth and resilience.

When you achieve your goals, you prove to yourself that anything is possible when you fully invest in the process. Reaching your goals highlights the power we hold within ourselves.

What to Take into Consideration When Self-Coaching:

  • Understanding Motivation: Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation

What drives you to achieve your goals? Are you motivated by internal satisfaction (intrinsic motivation) or external rewards (extrinsic motivation)? Understanding what fuels your ambitions can help you tailor your approach and stay committed to long-term success.

  • Overcoming Obstacles: Handling Setbacks and Failures

Resilience is key to goal setting. Challenges, setbacks, or feelings of failure are part of the process. Having strategies in place to navigate obstacles can help you stay focused and continue moving forward, even when progress feels slow.

  • The Importance of Mindset: How a Growth Mindset Supports Goal Achievement

A growth mindset is essential for success. If you believe you can’t reach your goals, you’re far less likely to achieve them. Self-belief and self-esteem play a crucial role in progress—working on these areas can make goal-setting more effective and fulfilling.

  • The Role of Reflection: Reviewing and Revising Goals

Your goals may evolve over time, and that’s okay. Regularly reviewing and adjusting your goals ensures they remain relevant to your life and aspirations. Life changes, new interests, or shifting priorities can impact your objectives, so checking in with yourself can keep you on the right track.

  • The Power of Visualisation and Affirmations

A clear mental image of your goal can reinforce your motivation and help you stay committed. Visualisation makes your goal feel real, helping you take inspired action, while affirmations strengthen positive beliefs and self-confidence.

  • The Impact of Environment: Creating a Space for Success

Your surroundings influence your mindset and productivity. Having a dedicated space for planning or working toward your goals can improve focus. Similarly, surrounding yourself with supportive people or communities can provide encouragement and accountability.

  • Health and Wellbeing: The Foundation for Goal Achievement

There’s a strong connection between physical health, mental wellbeing, and goal success. Eating a nutritious diet, exercising regularly, and prioritising sleep can improve focus, energy levels, and resilience—making it easier to stay on track.

  • Leveraging Technology: Tools and Apps for Goal Tracking

Tracking progress keeps you motivated. Whether you prefer a journal or digital goal-tracking apps, these tools can boost accountability and help you celebrate milestones along the way.

  • Goal Setting for Different Life Stages

Goals naturally shift as you move through different life stages. What mattered in your student years may differ from your priorities as a parent or professional. Reassessing your goals ensures they align with your current circumstances and aspirations.

  • The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Goal Setting

Emotional awareness and self-regulation play a key role in goal achievement. Stress, motivation, and relationships can all impact your journey. Having tools to manage emotions effectively can help you stay resilient and focused.

Case Study: From Self-Coaching to Professional Guidance

Adam, a 35-year-old IT support specialist, contacted me for life coaching as he struggled to reach his goal through self-coaching. Adam’s goal was to find satisfaction and happiness in his daily life. Adam believed he might need to change his career to achieve this, but he was feeling some resistance and couldn’t decide if this was the correct step.

We explored Adam’s core values, long-term aspirations, and what motivated him. Adam found that creativity, adventure, and friendships were high on his list of values, but these values weren’t showing up much in his life. Subsequently, Adam recognised that his professional life was not causing him to feel dissatisfied, as he spoke positively about his role as an IT specialist. However, he recognised that work had become his sole purpose and identity.

When Adam recognised that his time outside of work was equally important as his time at work, his overall goal changed. With this updated goal in mind, Adam structured a plan and considered any potential barriers. Adam described himself as an introvert, which he felt held him back socially. We discussed Adam’s introverted traits and how he could embrace them by focusing on his strengths and introducing self-care into his life. We also worked on his limiting beliefs around being an introvert.

Counselling and Coaching Approach

We examined Adam’s needs and preferences through a counselling and coaching approach. Adam came up with ideas that aligned with his values: creativity, adventure, and friendships. Adam tried out many new ventures before finding a hobby he is now passionate about; this has increased his social circle, and he feels he has a sense of purpose inside and outside the workplace.

Adam’s situation demonstrates that the first step is to identify the goal entirely. Adam continued to successfully use his self-coaching skills to achieve his ultimate goal while engaged in coaching sessions. During a recent session with Adam, he expressed how these changes had added value to his life, and he now feels he has the happiness and sense of satisfaction that he was searching for when he began self-coaching. Adam felt self-coaching and professional coaching were the best route for him, and overall, he feels a great sense of accomplishment for the hard work he has put into getting to where he is today.

To Conclude

Applying the above tips empowers you to take charge of your goal-setting journey as your coach or mentor.   Self-coaching can be highly beneficial. However, it’s also okay to reach out to a trusted friend or for professional help if you feel you would like that extra bit of support.

References:

Bailey, T. (2019). Goal Setting and Action Planning for Health Behavior Change. Journal of Health Psychology, 24(3), 321-335.

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior. Springer Science & Business Media.

Lord, P., Atkinson, M., & Mitchell, H. (2008). The Role of Learning Goals in Motivation and Academic Success. National Foundation for Educational Research.

Schunk, D. H., & DiBenedetto, M. K. (2020). Motivation and social-emotional learning: Theory, research, and practice. Contemporary Educational Psychology, 60, 101830.

Schedule Your Free Discovery Call

Looking for support with anxiety, phobias, or life transitions? I offer counselling, coaching, and RTT to help you move forward with confidence. Book a free 20-minute discovery call via Zoom to explore the best approach for you, wherever you are in the UK.

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